Help, girlfriend wants to move in

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Post by JPX on Mon 26 Sep 2011, 4:50 pm

So, she's been dropping some big hints lately about moving into my place. She rents and I own my place so I can see where she's coming from, but how do I break it to her that I like my own space without making her resort to the old 'no committment' chestnut? or worst case scenario I let her move in can I charge her rent (may as well get something out of it, say my mortgage amout + 20%?), only problem is I don't want to give her mixed signals, would 'I'm happy as we are' be a bad move?

Particularly interested in the female members views.

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Post by TwisT on Mon 26 Sep 2011, 5:04 pm

Depends on how long you been going out and whether or not you see a future with her.

I would not go down the charging her rent road.....but she will probably want to give you a bit of money towards food and other costs anyway. JUST DON'T MENTION IT UNTIL SHE DOES.

Fact is, if there is a long term future for you two, then moving in is the next step. Your lucky she hasn't mentioned about getting engaged!

IF you like your own space, then maybe relationships are not your kinda thing. If you been together a few weeks, then yeah I see your point. If it is years though, then maybe she isn't the girl for you. I mean moving in together should be something you are looking forward to as well, at some point (yes? no?)

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Post by Cari on Mon 26 Sep 2011, 5:10 pm

I think moving in together depends on the sort of relationship you have. It seems to me (from you've said here) that you just like your girlfriend around when it suits you. Normally I'd expect a couple who move in together to be close like two pals who'd be more than happy to live together. Of course, I don't know you or your relationship, or even how long you've been together, but you could still enjoy your own "me" time and have your girlfriend living with you if your relationship was that close. However, it sounds to me that you don't want that though.
If that's the case and I was your girlfriend, I'd appreciate honesty from the outset. So, do the right thing and be honest.

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Post by SugarRayRussell (PBK) on Mon 26 Sep 2011, 7:24 pm

Mate be a man! Pretend you don't have a clue that she's dropping hints and when she does bring the subject up play it by ear.

If it's move in together or we are over then some up if she's worth it then make your choice.

If you fancy another go at playing the field see if you can keep her on retainer and get yourself some action somewhere else you may always have her to fall back on in case you have lost or indeed have no charm and can't get any.

Remember the grass isn't always greener and all that. thumbsup
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Post by Shifty on Mon 26 Sep 2011, 8:55 pm

Decide what you want out of the relationship, if you wanted commitment you wouldnt of posted here, would you?

If she's just something to bust a nut in, until something better comes a long then, wait until the big conversation and be honest with her. But she may be at the point where she wants things to move on.
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Post by Mad for Chelsea on Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:43 pm

Well I would guess first you need to ask yourself if you're serious about your relationship. If you're not serious but she's dropping hints about moving in, then clearly you're not on the same wave-length regarding your future. If that's the case then I think you should be honest with her and say it straight out. Delaying things won't help, best if you make clear where you stand.

However if you are serious about your relationship, then things are a bit more complicated. I understand the need for personal space, but if you see a future with here than she's worth it for you. Again, be honest, have a serious discussion with her, and make it clear that you NEED your own space, even if you're living together. For instance, when my GF first moved in with me (we live in separate cities now unfortunately) we only had about 15m² for the both of us (she was moving into my student accomodations). I made the point that I needed the desk to be in a certain state (read untidy) for my work, and that she had to accept that. And you know what? It all worked fine.

So yeah, whichever way you see your relationship going, be honest. If you're both serious about your future, then you'll work around the odd difficulty with few problems, but it's always best if you know which difficulties are there. Actually, am I the only one whose GF/BF has this annoying tendecy to say "I'm fine, there's nothing wrong" even when quite clearly something is wrong (usually something I did, but she won't tell me)?

Regarding rent, I think given that you own the place it's not quite right to ask her to pay rent, but she should help out financially in other ways (shopping, etc.). I'd wait for her to bring it up, though if she doesn't you should, but tactfully...

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Post by JPX on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:44 am

Thanks all, some food for thought.

We've been together for about 6 months, known each other for a few years when we were just friends (you know, with benefits Wink)

Still, not sure about it, I like her a lot but is she the one? I think I'll wait for her to bring it up, she might not for a while but I'll be honest and tell her to do one (that's a joke BTW!).

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Post by Fists of Fury on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:25 am

6 months? Far too soon to move in, in my opinion. Been with my girlfriend over 4 years and we are only just starting to think about it...

Depends on your age, I guess, but I'd still say 6 months is a bit too soon.

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Post by ADMIN on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:43 am

My mrs and I got engaged and moved in together after a month, 10 year anniversary next month!

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Post by JPX on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:05 am

Congrats Hero, love at first sight?

Not sure I've ever been in love, how do you know? Is it like the feeling you get when you score a screamer at football or get a hole in one?

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Post by Cari on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:07 am

Hero wrote:My mrs and I got engaged and moved in together after a month, 10 year anniversary next month!

Awh that's lovely.

See, it depends on the individuals and their relationship really. Some people are together for yonks and can't live together but then others just do it from the off and it works. My sister and her husband couldn't move in together until they married because he's in the military. They've been married for ten years now.

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Post by ADMIN on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:14 am

It sounds more romantic than it was, I'd been going out with her best mate straight beforehand! All the time with her though I knew it was my wife that I fancied. Her mate was okay with it and was the chief bridesmaid at our wedding so no bad vibes there.

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Post by EmmDee57 on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:20 am

JPX, I'd only let her move in if you can make a spare bedroom a man's room which means when she is watching her soaps and reality tv you can still get your own space and watch sports in the man's room.

I like my own space too and that's why I don't live with mine but I do let her stay over 2 or 3 times a week when it suits me. So far that arrangement suits both parties.

Financially it would be a good move but beware of the increase in number of cushions that appear on your bed and sofa over time. What is it with women and cushions?? The bed annoys me most, takes ages to clear the bed of clutter to get into bed then it's a danger in the dark of the night when going to the fridge for a pepperami or bit of cheesecake at 3am as there's cushions all over the floor!!

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Post by Fists of Fury on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 1:54 pm

JPX wrote:Congrats Hero, love at first sight?

Not sure I've ever been in love, how do you know? Is it like the feeling you get when you score a screamer at football or get a hole in one?

Nowhere near that good, mate! Haha.

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Post by JPX on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 2:08 pm

Fists of Fury wrote:
JPX wrote:Congrats Hero, love at first sight?

Not sure I've ever been in love, how do you know? Is it like the feeling you get when you score a screamer at football or get a hole in one?

Nowhere near that good, mate! Haha.
Oh, shame. Someone once said to you will know as all you can think about is her. Sounds quite depressing if you ask me but will have to wait and see.

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Post by Fists of Fury on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 2:23 pm

That's overly romanticised guff. I can think about plenty of things! Look at your missus and then look at Mila Kunis...if you don't think 'damn, what I wouldn't give to get stuck in to Mila Kunis' then it probably means you're gay, and has nothing to do with being in love or not Wink

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Post by JPX on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 4:21 pm

Fists of Fury wrote: look at Mila Kunis...if you don't think 'damn, what I wouldn't give to get stuck in to Mila Kunis' then it probably means you're gay
Phew! I passed the test, I can do the hoovering now without worrying about those self doubting thoughts I get now and again.

P.S I've had a text, she wants to meet up tonight for a 'chat'. Gulp!

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Post by Davie on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 4:34 pm

Perhaps she reads V2 also and is going to give you the heave-ho Wink

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Post by JPX on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 4:38 pm

Maybe Davie, if she does read v2 I'm hoping she wants to borrow £170 to buy some leather trousers she seen! lol

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Post by calamity jane on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 4:43 pm

Hey! I'm female but I don't have cushions on the bed, I hate reality TV, and I've never watched a soap opera in my life.

Seriously though, I would say six months is possibly a bit too soon. I think it was six years before Mr C and I moved in together and another four years before we got round to getting married. But everyone's different and if feels right then go for it.

And a 'fan cave'* is a must. Ours has sports photos all over the walls, a fridge full of beer, a TV, sound system and a dart board.

* can't call it a 'man cave' because I'm in there all the time too.

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Post by JPX on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 4:49 pm

A "man cave" eh?..... I like it. That's going on my 'must agree to' list.

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Post by calamity jane on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 5:03 pm

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-14923750

Big business over here.

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Post by Guest on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 6:35 pm

I really want a man cave now. Sounds brilliant.

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Post by Cari on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 6:39 pm

EmmDee57 wrote:JPX, I'd only let her move in if you can make a spare bedroom a man's room which means when she is watching her soaps and reality tv you can still get your own space and watch sports in the man's room.

I like my own space too and that's why I don't live with mine but I do let her stay over 2 or 3 times a week when it suits me. So far that arrangement suits both parties.

Financially it would be a good move but beware of the increase in number of cushions that appear on your bed and sofa over time. What is it with women and cushions?? The bed annoys me most, takes ages to clear the bed of clutter to get into bed then it's a danger in the dark of the night when going to the fridge for a pepperami or bit of cheesecake at 3am as there's cushions all over the floor!!

Could you be anymore sexist?! Rolling Eyes

My idea of "reality TV" is live sport. I don't watch soaps...in fact I watch little TV generally I'm usually doing other things.
I only have cushions on my sofa, and pillows and duvet on my bed.
I like my own space too because I do have a brain and am perfectly capable of entertaining myself when I have to.

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Post by Guest on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 6:47 pm

Im very lucky with Mrs YI.
We met in the pub (I was playing pool for the pub team) and she was in for the footy.
She likes her soaps (which I cant stand) but apart from that we get on great.
We are like best friends, but more. Like Hero we moved in together pretty much straight away, got engaged after 6 months and married on the turn of the year. Been married for 4yrs come February.

JPX, If you like your own space, tell her. Be honest and she will respect that. She might have the same concerns as you.

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Post by Adam D on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 6:48 pm

My hetro life consists of watching sport, sci fi and reality TV! Britains and Irelands next top model finished last night Sad

I have numerous pillows and cushions on my bed.

I cook all the meals for the family.

And I moved in with my now wife after 4 months, engaged after 7, married within 2 years and have already celebrated our 10th Wedding anniversary.


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Post by Guest on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 6:50 pm

Do you have a man cave Hobo?

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Post by Cari on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 6:50 pm

I'd have to giggle though, if she said she didn't want to move in with you and you'd got the wrong end of the stick JPX Very Happy

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Post by Adam D on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 6:51 pm

I barely have a manhood these days, I am so whipped.

Wuhpah!

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Post by The Galveston Giant on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 7:17 pm

I let my missus move in after 6 months, been nearly 11 years now, be careful JPX.
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Post by SugarRayRussell (PBK) on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 7:27 pm

GG you boys from the East are a charming bunch! Very Happy
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Post by The Galveston Giant on Tue 27 Sep 2011, 7:41 pm

Laugh
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Post by JPX on Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:27 am

It's ok, was just a take away and a film night!

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Post by Cari on Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:30 am

Oh is that all?! We wanted a much more exciting update than that...perhaps you should bring up the subject next time... Smile

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Post by JPX on Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:35 am

Ha ha sorry Cari. There was a topic of discussion but nowt of interest. You know, the more I think about it the more I'm thinking it might not be such a bad idea!! Shocked

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Post by Fists of Fury on Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:37 am

You got some last night, then?

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Post by JPX on Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:40 am

Whistle

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