The Best Joke Thread In The World.......Ever!

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Post by The Womble on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 1:38 pm

Know any good jokes? Share them with us. It's always good to learn some new ones.

Here is one of my favourites:

2 mexicans are stranded in the desert. They have been walking for hours desperate for food and water.

Suddenly in the distance the see a tree with bits of bacon hanging from it.

1st Mexican – “Hey amigo, a bacon tree we is saved”

The 1st Mexican staggers towards the tree, he approaches a branch and reaches out for some bacon. Suddenly the tree starts firing at him. In a panic he manages to run over to his friend and says......


“Amigo, run for it, this is no bacon tree, is a ham bush.
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Post by Guest on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 3:11 pm

(this works slightly better if you read it "with a Mexican accent")

Two mexicans in a cantina talking about gunfights. One guys looks at the other guy's gun and notices a number of marks along the barrel.

1st guy - "What are those, amigo?"
2nd guy - "Everytime I keel a guy, I put a notch on my gun"
1st guy (after a quick totting up) "So you have keeled nine men?
2nd guy - "No I have only keeled seeex men. Those other three are bonus notches."

Sorry!!!!

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Post by Galted on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 3:32 pm

Couldn't be ar$ed to type out my own version of this old classic so I plagiarised one, apologies if it makes you violent:

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"
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Post by The Womble on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 3:34 pm

Galted wrote:Couldn't be ar$ed to type out my own version of this old classic so I plagiarised one, apologies if it makes you violent:

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"

picard

cheers Galted, that's sixty seconds of my life i'm never getting back.

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Post by Galted on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 4:11 pm

No worries Womble, count yourself lucky you didn't hear me telling it, takes way more than sixty seconds.
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Post by Kenny on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 4:57 pm

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

"Okay." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show...

...

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. with mild green, hairy lip squid"
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Post by Kenny on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 5:55 pm

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing near Transylvania.
They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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Post by ShahenshahG on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 5:56 pm

HAHAHAHA

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http://www.wwwdotcom.com

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Post by Kenny on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 5:57 pm

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are £20 notes Falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the copper. "How did you get all that Money? "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up To the Car park of the Football Stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and Each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I Say: £20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the copper. "OK, good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

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Post by JuliusHMarx on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 10:08 pm

A snail goes into a pub..........slowly slides to the bar.......slowly climbs up a bar stool......asks for a pint.
The barman doesn't say a word, picks the snail up, throws him as far as he can out of the door.
Six weeks later the snail goes back into the pub..........slowly slides to the bar.......slowly climbs up a bar stool......and says to the barman "What did you do that for?"

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Post by Galted on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 10:14 pm

"Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!!"
"Well, obviously. We've just amputated your arms."
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Post by TRUSSMAN66 on Thu 27 Jun 2013, 10:32 pm

Hippie gets on a bus and sits opposite a very attractive Nun.........

Hippie says he want to make love to the Nun.........

Nun says sorry but she has given her body to Jesus..........and then gets off at the next stop....

Bus driver turns to Hippie and tells him not to give up and that he knows for a fact she prays in the cemetary at midnight every evening........

Hippie gets himself some sandals and a robe turns up at the cemetary and lo and behold the Nun is bending over a grave.....

Hippie says.."I am Jesus I've come to make love to you"

Nun says...."It is a sin for me to have virginal sex before wedlock therefore we must have anal".........

Hippie does the deed and then throws of his robe and says "Ha ha i'm not Jesus I'm the hippie!!!"

The Nun then Jumps up and says "Ha ha I'm not the Nun I'm the Bus driver!!!"

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Post by The Womble on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 10:05 am

A guy stopped me the other day and said "Excuse me, is there a B&Q in Doncaster?"

I said, "No, there's a D, an O...."
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Post by The Womble on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 10:14 am

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?" The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus
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Post by Kenny on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 12:51 pm

Why did the cow cross the road ?



Because she was going to the Mooovies
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Post by Guest on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 1:04 pm

A woman is nagging her husband about buying her a new coat and says that he simply doesn't spend enough money on her so so says to her,

"Look all I ever do is spend MY money. It's about time you did something on your own."

"Like what?" she says

"How about this? You earn half the money for the coat in six months and I'll put the rest to it."

Six months later they sit down and she puts a bag of money on the table.

"How did you earn that?" the man asks.

"I did sexual favours for money" she replied

"So, how much did you earn?"

"£3000 and fifty pence."

"Who the hell gave you fifty pence?" he asks

"Everyone"

...................................................................................
Man driving down the motorway and is pulled over by the Police.

Police Officer says, "Excuse me sir, do you realise that you wife fell out of the car about 10miles back."

"Thank f*** for that," says the man, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

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Post by TRUSSMAN66 on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 1:11 pm

Police car stops a black guy in a mercedes...........

Cop - Can I see your licence...

Guy - Certainly officer it's nice and clean.......

Cop - Better check the tax disc....

Guy - Certainly officer you'll find it's well with in the expiry date

Cop - Let's look at the tyres.......

Guy - All fresh on Officer and all up-to-spec.......

Cop - Open the boot.....

Guy - Certainly Officer it's nice and clean and ready for inspection......

Cop - Okay Sir out of the car.......

Guy - I'm sorry what's wrong ?

Cop - I'm arresting you for wasting police time!!!

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Post by sodhat on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 1:16 pm

Maybe one you actually need to say to someone...
-----
A man is going door to door offering handyman services. He knocks and a woman answers and says she'll give him £100 to paint her porch bright green.

The handyman agrees, takes the money, and goes off to get the paint and start work.

A couple of hours later he knocks at the door "I'm all done now," he says. "But just so you know love, it's a Mercedes."

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Post by Guest on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 2:40 pm

Couple of Irish lads get a job erecting telephone poles. The foreman says, "It's easy, just get them upright and knocked firmly into place. I'm off to another site but I'll be back later to check on you."

Boss returns at 5pm and says to the first lad, "How many have to you done?"

"75 boss" came the reply

"Well done, son...and how many have you done?" he says, turning to the second lad.

"3" He replies matter-of-factly

"3? Are you having a laugh? This lads erected 75!!" screamed the boss

"Yeah...but look how far they're sticking out of the ground!"

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Post by The Womble on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 2:45 pm

2 Irishmen go to the job centre looking for work. They see a sign that reads "Tree Fellers Required". 1st Irishman says "That's a shame, there's only 2 of us".
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Post by Galted on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 3:01 pm

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." The foreman then says, "now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand by the time I get back."

A few hours later when the foreman returns, he sees that the pile of sand is still untouched.

Pointing to the pile of sand, the foreman says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom. You tella the Chinesea guy he inna charge of a supplies, but hea disappeara, and I coulda no finda him! "

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks, "Didn't I tell you to shovel that sand?"
The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but I couldna find him!"

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
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Post by sodhat on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 3:25 pm

I'm not proud that I laughed.

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Post by The Womble on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 3:26 pm

Galted wrote:An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." The foreman then says, "now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand by the time I get back."

A few hours later when the foreman returns, he sees that the pile of sand is still untouched.

Pointing to the pile of sand, the foreman says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom. You tella the Chinesea guy he inna charge of a supplies, but hea disappeara, and I coulda no finda him! "

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks, "Didn't I tell you to shovel that sand?"
The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but I couldna find him!"

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

Laugh 
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Post by Guest on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 3:31 pm

That's a good one Laugh

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Post by Ent on Fri 28 Jun 2013, 3:53 pm

A celebrity ventriloquist tired of huge fame goes on holiday to the Australian outback for some peace and quiet.

He stumbles upon an isolated farm and asks the farmer for a glass of water, seeing the farmer does not recognise him he decides to have some fun.

"As thanks for the water how about I speak to some of your animals for you?"

Worrying the man is unhinged the farmer agrees and brings out his dog.

The ventriloquist throws his voice "ruff!! My master is great he lets me sleep inside when it's cold and feeds me table scraps everyday ruff"

"That's incredible!!!" Can you do my horse?

"Neigh!! My master is great he brushes me every day and feeds me sugar lumps."

The farmer is ecstatic now and keen to see more

The ventriloquist says "how about I talk to your sheep?"

"THAT SHEEPS A F**KING LIAR!!!!!!!"

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Post by Galted on Sat 29 Jun 2013, 1:58 pm

Was shopping for a Sat-Nav recently & discovered you can buy Sat-Navs voiced by celebrities.  I settled on a Bonne Tyler one as I was quite a fan in the day but it’s rubbish, keeps telling me to turn around.  

And every now and then it falls apart.
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Post by TRUSSMAN66 on Sat 29 Jun 2013, 2:29 pm

Good one............

What's the differnce between your job and a dead prostitute ??

...Your job still sucks !!

What's strong enough for a Man but made for a Woman ??

..The back of my hand!!!

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Post by Guest on Sat 29 Jun 2013, 5:08 pm

Controversial one here but I almost wet myself when I read this years ago:

What animal has a C**T halfway up its back?

A police horse!

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Post by TRUSSMAN66 on Sat 29 Jun 2013, 6:31 pm

My red vulture's favorite joke is.......

I only married you because a vibrator can't mow the lawn..

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Post by Kenny on Mon 01 Jul 2013, 1:37 am

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"................ Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
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Post by rick_dagless on Mon 01 Jul 2013, 8:59 am

A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "Why the long face?"

The horse, unable to understand the complexities of the human language, promply Dumps on the floor and leaves.

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Post by rick_dagless on Mon 01 Jul 2013, 9:03 am

i was at an office party the other day and after a few beers i go on the dancefloor

They played the 'Macarena' so i did the Macarena

They played 'Twist and Shout' so i twisted and shouted

They played 'Come on Eileen'... I was asked to leave shortly afterwards

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Post by hornbloweroafc on Mon 01 Jul 2013, 12:50 pm

Why did the beach blush? Because the seaweed!

A man walks into a bar.......OUCH!


Last edited by hornbloweroafc on Mon 15 Jul 2013, 9:49 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post by ONETWOFOREVER on Sun 14 Jul 2013, 1:56 pm

2 woman bump into each other in a pub:

1st woman - Hay girl how are you? new hairstyle? I absolutely love it

2nd woman - Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

1st woman - Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

2nd woman - Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

1st woman - Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

2nd woman - Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

2 men bump into each other at the pub:

1st man - New haircut?

2nd man - Yeah

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Post by 88Chris05 on Wed 14 Aug 2013, 1:59 pm

How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer?

Cook it until its Bill Withers.
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Post by Guest on Wed 14 Aug 2013, 2:23 pm

Man walks into the doctor with a frog on his head. Doctor says,"How did you get that?" The frog replies, "It started as a boil on my bum!"

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Post by 88Chris05 on Wed 14 Aug 2013, 2:24 pm

Did you hear about that peanut who got mugged? He was assaulted.
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Post by ONETWOFOREVER on Wed 14 Aug 2013, 7:50 pm

How do you make a cat bark?

Poor gasoline over it, light a match and hear it go WOOF!

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Post by Adam D on Wed 14 Aug 2013, 7:57 pm

A wig and a turd walk into a pub.

The barman shouts "get out - you two are banned"

They ask "why?"

"for a start, you are off your head and your mate is steaming"

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Post by Guest on Wed 14 Aug 2013, 8:52 pm

The other day I was driving down an old country lane when this guy appeared from the window of a tractor screaming "It's the end of the world, the end of the world, save yourselves it's the end of the world"

A few minutes later I pulled into a petrol station and notified the guy behind the counter who replied:

"That'll be Farmer Geddon. Just ignore him!"

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Post by Biltong on Fri 23 Aug 2013, 10:31 am

ONETWOFOREVER wrote:How do you make a cat bark?

Poor gasoline over it, light a match and hear it go WOOF!
How do you make a Dog Miaaw?

Put it through a band saw.
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Post by Guest on Fri 23 Aug 2013, 10:43 am

Two blokes in prison chatting.

"What you in for?" says the first one

"Armed Robbery" replies his cell mate

"What you get for that?" says the first con

"10 to 15....what you in for?"

"Water pistol!"

"What?"

"I filled a water pistol with petrol, squirted it at people in the street and then threw at lighted match at them."

"Bloody hell, what you get?"

"About 25 to the gallon!"

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Post by superflyweight on Fri 23 Aug 2013, 1:42 pm

What do you call an Italian man with a prosthetic foot?

Roberto.

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Post by Mind the windows Tino. on Fri 23 Aug 2013, 2:35 pm

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window ''Pianist wanted for evening performances''.

''Fu*king get in there you c*nt!'' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. ''Get the fu*king manager of this pigs s*it middle class
w*nkhole please you c*nt'', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. ''Can I help you
sir?'' he says ''Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy
advert in the c*nting window and I''m here to audition.....w*nker.'' The manager
is naturally put off by the man''s abrasive manner but his dire need for a
top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, ''Wonderful, wonderful.
What was that called?'' ''That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter''s eye, and now the c*nts blind...''

''Oh'' says the manager ''err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". ''W*nker..'' interjects the pianist before launching into
a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
hissalty teardrops asks him the title.

''That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the
sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'' I see'' says the manager, ''Have you
got any songs with less offensive titles?''

''Well there''s my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there''s the epic "I don''t care
if you''re older my dear, you''ve still got nice jugs".

''Look'' says the manager interrupting, I think you''re a superb pianist but the title of your
songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not
introduce your songs or speak to the audience.''

''F*ck it'' says the pianist ''Why not''. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd
are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.


The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there
is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he
decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck
he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back
to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
approaches him.''Hi'' she says. ''Hello'' he winces, struggling to hold in
the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, ''Do you know your
c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto
your shoes?''

''Know it?'' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I f*cking wrote it!''

Mind the windows Tino.
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Post by Galted on Fri 23 Aug 2013, 2:57 pm

Laugh 
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Post by ShahenshahG on Fri 23 Aug 2013, 2:59 pm

hahaha

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Post by ShahenshahG on Fri 23 Aug 2013, 3:00 pm


Statues Come to Life



PreviousNext
Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years.

An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

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Post by BlueCoverman on Mon 02 Sep 2013, 6:37 pm

Bloke says to his missus, "We're really skint love and we've got all these bills to pay. I'm sorry but you are going to have to go on the game". "Ok" she agrees, "but I've never sold my body for sex before and I'm really nervous, what if there is any trouble?" "Don't worry" says husband, "I'll park up in the car just up the road and keep an eye on you and I suggest you charge the punters £100 a time".

First night she is all tarted up and standing on the street corner. Bloke pulls up in his car, winds down the window and she says "fancy a bit of business?". "Sure hop in" says the bloke.

"It's £100 to shag me" she says. "That's a shame I've only got 20 quid" says the bloke, "what can I get for that?" She replies "Wait a minute", jumps out of the car and runs to where husband has parked up. "What's up?", asks husband. "He's only got £20, what can he have for that?" she replies. "Tell him he can have a hand-job for £20", says husband.

She runs back to the blokes car and gives him the news. He agrees unzips his trousers and pulls out the biggest dick she has ever seen in her life. "Hang on a minute", she says and runs back to hubby's car.

"What now?", asks her spouse.

"Can you lend him £80?", she replies

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Post by superflyweight on Mon 02 Sep 2013, 8:46 pm

I apologise for this one in advance but I was told this recently and have been fairly traumatised ever since - I'm hoping that repeating it will be therapeutic.

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

You can't gargle sand.

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Post by TRUSSMAN66 on Mon 02 Sep 2013, 10:20 pm

My wife was on the phone half an hour.....I said..."That was quick you're usually on for two hours".....she said "It was a wrong number!!"...

My Wife has been reading the same book for twenty years...."My chequebook"

How can you tell If your Wife is dead ?? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up..

What's worse than a chauvinist pig ?? A wife that won't do as she's told!!

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