Coffee, Please. Just Coffee

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Post by The Fourth Lion on Mon 20 Jan 2014, 11:42 pm

As an adjunct to the "Making shopping a better experience" thread, which has somewhat gotten off the point, I thought I'd make it a little more specific from the point of view of variety of choice.  Like, f'rinstance, how difficult it has become to get just a simple cup of coffee.  

I recall the first time I ever went into a well known high street branded coffee outlet.   I went to the counter and asked for a cup of coffee, please.

"What would you like?" said the sullen looking teenager wearing a blouse that had obviously not been clean on that morning.

"Coffee.  I just said so".

"What sort?"

"What sorts are there?

Rolling her eyes up into the top of their sockets, she rattled off the list  with machine gun rapidity:  "You can have cappuccinolattecaramellattemochaflatwhiteespressowithoneshotortwocortadomochalatteoramericanowithorwithoutmilk".

I swear she didn't take a breath.   Stunned and confused, I looked at the first item on the board above the counter.  "I'll have a latt, please."

"A what..?"

Realising I wasn't doing this right, I just pointed at the board.

"Oh, you mean a lattay.."   Feeling like a complete numpty, I paid the exorbitant price of nearly £2 and found a table.  The girl said she would bring it over when it was ready.

When it arrived, it looked pale and insipid and almost, but not quite, entirely unlike coffee.  But not wanting to appear even more out of touch with modern café society than I already was, I accepted it and took a sip.  It was warm bloody milk..!!   "Excuse me, miss.  This isn't coffee."

"It's Latte.  It's what you asked for."

I couldn't argue.  For all I knew, I had been given something that was completely in accordance with the Trades Descriptions Act and I was just going to have to grin and bear it.

I couldn't get the irony out of my head.  As a small boy, my mother could never get me to drink warm milk at bedtime.  I hated it.  Now I was paying £2 a cup for it.   I wonder what she'd say if she was alive today.  She'd probably laugh her head off.

Since then I've found out that what I actually want is Americano.   OK.... I can live with that, and the staff at the coffee shop, who know me well enough by now, make me one of those when I ask for coffee.... just coffee, please.


Has anybody else had a similar experience when attempting to buy an otherwise simple product, that has been made complicated beyond all belief by modern day sales methods..?

And does it drive you nuts, like it did me...?


Last edited by The Fourth Lion on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 6:24 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Corporalhumblebucket on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 12:19 am

Get confused by all these coffees as well.  Some places insist that Americano is black, but in others you get it with milk.....  Then there are all these different sizes as well... Headscratch

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Post by Ent on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 12:31 am

No, it's simple really.

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Post by Galted on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 7:37 am

I also go the Americano route.  I find that scanning the list/menu with a glare of great displeasure and snapping your order at them as though you wanted something far more exotic which they don't have is quite intimidating to the arrogant little f***wits who work behind the counter.  If they try to counter your aggression with a smirking question that's either mumbled, in a foreign language/accent or both, just grunt and see what you get.

I used to buy a breakfast baguette from Pret every morning and it took all the restraint I could muster not to punch out the fat tw*t who would invariably ask if I wanted a Skinny Latte with my purchase.  If I wanted one I'd ask for one you turd in a birdbath.


Last edited by Galted on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 8:34 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : I'm mental)
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Post by JuliusHMarx on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 8:27 am

FL, this isn't you is it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXDK3x5lAYI

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Post by TopHat24/7 on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 9:15 am

Nice rip-off of a scene from countless tv and film shows. Surprised you are not complaining about having to say 'venti' rather than 'large'.

Old people make simple things miles more complicated than they actually are.

Go into Starbucks, as for a black coffee (you may not call it an Americano, but they'll still understand you) and for them to add a little milk. Hey presto, you get a coffee with milk.

All because you don't want to order an extra hot double tall skinny caramel lattee (my order) doesn't mean getting a simple coffee is impossible.

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Post by sodhat on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 9:23 am

TopHat24/7 wrote:Nice rip-off of a scene from countless tv and film shows. Surprised you are not complaining about having to say 'venti' rather than 'large'.

Old people make simple things miles more complicated than they actually are.

Go into Starbucks, as for a black coffee (you may not call it an Americano, but they'll still understand you) and for them to add a little milk. Hey presto, you get a coffee with milk.

All because you don't want to order an extra hot double tall skinny caramel lattee (my order) doesn't mean getting a simple coffee is impossible.

And you can ask for that with a straight face?

I blushed when I wanted a chocolate orange mocha before Christmas.

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Post by TopHat24/7 on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 9:41 am

Ha, yeh Sodhat, straight faced no problem. Outside of winter I normally drop the extra hot bit at least.....

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Post by sodhat on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 10:12 am

I can just about whisper that I want a cappuccino and then I can feel a bit of my manhood evaporate away every time they ask loudly, "do you want chocolate on that?"

Of course I do, what a stupid question. Just put it on quietly so others don't know.

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Post by jbeadlesbigrighthand on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 12:14 pm

Couldn't agree more with this. Coffee shop culture is simply horrendous. I once got sneered at by a "barrista" for ordering a cream cheese bagel without specifying the exact type of cream cheese and bagel. I've lost count of the number of times I've had the following conversation:

"I'll have a medium black coffee please"
"Grande Americano?"
"Is that a medium black coffee?"
"Yes."
"Then I guess that's what I'd like."

What's even worse it that you can get any number of frothy, syrupy concoctions, but it's still almost impossible to get a decent black coffee.

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Post by Guest on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 12:44 pm

Mate of mine went in and asked for "two more of them cold coffees".

He'd been with a friend who ordered frappacinos and he liked them so much he thought he'd get two more but didn't think to ask if, being in Sh*tbucks, it might be called something else.

As for the selling of coffee, I hate the idea that any old dungheap greasy spoon that used to have a massive tub of instant Maxwell House and make do, now feels compelled to spend Christ only knows how much on one of those fancy frothers just so they can now charge four times what they used to for pretty much the same stuff. And leaving bacon out for a bit before cooking it doesn't entitle you to call it "aged" and charge and extra two quid, you b*st*rds.

What's perhaps even more galling is the snobbery when people take a sip of coffee and say things like "Oh you can really tell this is Fairtrade daaaaaaarling. I mean it's just so much more coffee-eeee!"

I'd like to scald their faces on the hour, every hour, for an hour.

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Post by rick_dagless on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 12:48 pm

I only drink Kopi Luwak Coffee now...

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Post by seanmichaels on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 1:35 pm

I had a coffee at this posh place once. Tasted like cat sh1t......

edit: i see rick beat me to the gag.

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Post by rick_dagless on Tue 21 Jan 2014, 1:37 pm

At least you filled in the punchline for me sean Smile

(and sean was funnier too... rats)

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Post by Lumbering_Jack on Wed 22 Jan 2014, 12:25 pm

What annoys me more are sales people.

I bought the girlfriend a very nice watch before Christmas. Don't get me wrong, the watch was a beauty but the rubbish being spouted by the sales agent was utter rubbish.

'It really brings out the colour of your eyes'
'It really suits to tone of your skin'
'It makes you look really classy and sophisticated'

It's a nice watch. You won't sucker me in with those lines, so Frak off please.

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Post by ONETWOFOREVER on Wed 22 Jan 2014, 12:32 pm

I went to a hardware store once to purchase 4 candles......

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Post by TopHat24/7 on Wed 22 Jan 2014, 1:22 pm

ONETWOFOREVER wrote:I went to a hardware store once to purchase 4 candles......

 Laugh Laugh Laugh clap clap clap 

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Post by The Fourth Lion on Wed 22 Jan 2014, 1:47 pm

ONETWOFOREVER wrote:I went to a hardware store once to purchase 4 candles......


Were you given fork handles, by any chance....?

Love it.


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Post by The Fourth Lion on Wed 22 Jan 2014, 1:53 pm

JuliusHMarx wrote:FL, this isn't you is it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXDK3x5lAYI


Oh that it were, Julius. If I only possessed a small fraction of Mel Smith's comedic brilliance I would be a happy man.

Thanks for posting. The whole 25 minutes of it gave me a big belly laugh.

Regards
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Post by McLaren on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 5:14 am

I really like the cold drip stuff over a few ice cubes that seems more readily available these days. It has an almost liqueur type quality and is great on a warm day.

Anyone who drinks instant coffee should be shot.
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Post by alfie on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 5:30 am

McLaren wrote:I really like the cold drip stuff over a few ice cubes that seems more readily available these days.  It has an almost liqueur type quality and is great on a warm day.

Anyone who drinks instant coffee should be shot.

Why bother ? They are getting poisoned anyway...

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Post by Guest on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 10:44 am

McLaren wrote:I really like the cold drip stuff over a few ice cubes that seems more readily available these days.  It has an almost liqueur type quality and is great on a warm day.

Anyone who drinks instant coffee should be shot.
Tw@t!

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Post by ShahenshahG on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 2:02 pm

alfie wrote:
McLaren wrote:I really like the cold drip stuff over a few ice cubes that seems more readily available these days.  It has an almost liqueur type quality and is great on a warm day.

Anyone who drinks instant coffee should be shot.

Why bother ?  They are getting poisoned anyway...

 laughing 

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Post by Stella on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 3:12 pm

I know what I like (black americano) but it's the barrage of questions you get from a certain coffee chain that gets my goat up.

What size?
Would you like pastries?
Any of the 'on offer' products?
Have you got a loyalty card?
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Post by Guest on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 3:17 pm

Stella wrote:I know what I like (black americano) but it's the barrage of questions you get from a certain coffee chain that gets my goat up.

What size?
Would you like pastries?
Any of the 'on offer' products?
Have you got a loyalty card?
There's a guy TRUSS knows at the Oyster who calls himself that...apparently, he's got a loyalty card scheme too

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Post by sodhat on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 3:20 pm

Stella wrote:I know what I like (black americano) but it's the barrage of questions you get from a certain coffee chain that gets my goat up.

What size?
Would you like pastries?
Any of the 'on offer' products?
Have you got a loyalty card?

I think the phrase is "gets my goat", without adding the "up".

Unless you have an easily aroused goat with you?

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Post by Stella on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 3:28 pm

sodhat wrote:
Stella wrote:I know what I like (black americano) but it's the barrage of questions you get from a certain coffee chain that gets my goat up.

What size?
Would you like pastries?
Any of the 'on offer' products?
Have you got a loyalty card?

I think the phrase is "gets my goat", without adding the "up".

Unless you have an easily aroused goat with you?

Yeah, I'm ok, but my goat gets a tad annoyed with all the questions  Very Happy 
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Post by Guest on Thu 23 Jan 2014, 4:21 pm

I thought they just asked these questions a bit too loudly for a goat to remain asleep and that's what got it up

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