Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

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Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by George Carlin on Sun 03 Jul 2016, 7:09 pm

I'm bored, there is no rugby to talk about and I have a series of dinners coming up next week with various senior legal people from around our network.

It occurred to me that I haven't heard a good, clean(ish) joke in ages - certainly not one suitable for sharing in quasi-polite company. 
Then again, to be honest, when lawyers get hammered it often makes a Nicholas Pileggi movie sound like a gardening seminar in a convent. 

Best previous clean joke:

Q. Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? 
A. In Iraq. 

Er, you need to say it out loud. 

I know that you can all do better. 

Extra marks will be given for topical lines about Brexit, Boris Johnson, the England football team and the Rio Olympics.

Thanks very much.
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by nathan on Sun 03 Jul 2016, 7:25 pm

I'm guessing they wouldn't know who NWA were?

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by funnyExiledScot on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 11:37 am

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar.

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by lostinwales on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 11:47 am

funnyExiledScot wrote:An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar.

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

Reminds me of a post BREXIT Bill Baily joke.

An Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman walked into a bar....

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by LondonTiger on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 12:26 pm

TomTom have sent all users updates to their European road maps:


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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by GeordieFalcon on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 12:51 pm

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the bat mobile....?
Get in Robin!

Funny how 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 pints and 4 shots in 3 hours goes down quicker than a chubby kid on a seesaw....

An African lady called betty came in to my restaurant and asked "is there any chicken on the menu"
I replied " No black betty its ham or lamb"

Whats Orange and sounds like a Parrot...?
A Carrot

I went Fly fishing the other day...caught a 10lb bluebottle.

Went to the zoo at the weekend, all it had was one dog....
It was a sh1tzu

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered the remains of a mummy covered in nuts and chocoloate. They think its the remains of Pharoah Roche

Im very sorry......My favourite types of jokes Very Happy
Woeful sense of humour.... Laugh

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by George Carlin on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 1:24 pm

funnyExiledScot wrote:An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar.

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
clap
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by EWT Spoons on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 1:49 pm

100% stolen

• My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
• I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.
• My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
• Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
• I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.
• I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
• A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought 'That's a turtle disaster'.
• I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
• You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
• So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
• I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by LondonTiger on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 1:56 pm

Sounds like Tim Vine

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by George Carlin on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 2:17 pm

Lots of good Stewart Francis stuff:

- Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.
- Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.
- My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by lostinwales on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 2:54 pm

LondonTiger wrote:Sounds like Tim Vine

Was going to say Milton Jones

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by LondonTiger on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 3:08 pm

lostinwales wrote:
LondonTiger wrote:Sounds like Tim Vine

Was going to say Milton Jones

Just found the site they were "stolen" from. Quite a few were Tommy Cooper.

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by George Carlin on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 3:12 pm

Some good ones from the Fringe this year:

- Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that last surgery – to stop ageing.
- Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high-fives all the time.
- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.
- Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by Welly on Mon 04 Jul 2016, 3:52 pm

Which Knight of Camelot built the round table?

Circumference

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by ScarletSpiderman on Tue 05 Jul 2016, 2:07 pm

How does Bob Marley like his sandwiches?
With jam-in

What is Bruce Lee's favourite beverage?
Wah-Tah

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side

Why does Rupert The Bear wear yellow checked trousers?
Because he is a fool.
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by RuggerRadge2611 on Tue 05 Jul 2016, 3:44 pm

Q: Why was George Michael's face covered in chocolate?

A: Because he was careless with his wispa.



Q: What's the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

A: People from Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do.

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by Notch on Tue 05 Jul 2016, 7:28 pm

George Carlin wrote:- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

Yahoo

Saw this in a buzz feed article;

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after taking us out of Europe. He has claimed he needs more time to focus on his day job; representing the UK in the European Parliament.
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by RDW_Scotland on Wed 06 Jul 2016, 6:40 am

Notch wrote:
George Carlin wrote:- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

Yahoo

Saw this in a buzz feed article;

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after taking us out of Europe. He has claimed he needs more time to focus on his day job; representing the UK in the European Parliament.

You had to go and ruin it! Sad


Last edited by RDW_Scotland on Wed 06 Jul 2016, 8:27 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by LondonTiger on Wed 06 Jul 2016, 8:26 am

I was considering getting a Farage tattoo on my arse, with his gurning mouth appropriately positioned. The thought of poo coming out of his mouth several times a day tickled me slightly. Then I realised that it would have been merely a drop in the ocean.

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by Notch on Wed 06 Jul 2016, 8:52 am

Sorry RDW Hug
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by ScarletSpiderman on Wed 06 Jul 2016, 9:04 am

Notch wrote:
George Carlin wrote:- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

Yahoo

Saw this in a buzz feed article;

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after taking us out of Europe. He has claimed he needs more time to focus on his day job; representing the UK in the European Parliament.

I think I heard one for the EU members use that one on the news yesterday, so I guess he must be a member/visitor of these boards Wink
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by Notch on Wed 06 Jul 2016, 9:12 am

Here's some awesome non-political but not always clean jokes to make up for the political one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGczCl6_L_o
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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

Post by lostinwales on Wed 06 Jul 2016, 12:20 pm

Notch wrote:
George Carlin wrote:- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

Yahoo

Saw this in a buzz feed article;

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after taking us out of Europe. He has claimed he needs more time to focus on his day job; representing the UK in the European Parliament.

I liked the one that went
'Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP, mainly to spend time with his German wife before she's deported.

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Re: Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

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