Men are from Mars...Women are from Uranus !!

I've always been a slow learner !!.....Luckily I moved to the right Country  ......But for all those people out there who said you could live to a hundred years old and never understand Women.....They're wrong !!!...........

I understand Women very well.............I understand that....

1. A Man is always wrong even when he's right !!

2. "Should we"...........Means we are doing it !!

3. "I like that house"...........Means we will be living there..

4. "You aren't spending enough time with the kids"......Means get up there now.........

5. "I'm not sure I want to wear this ?".......Means I want to wear this... so say something nice or I'll be p**sed !!

6 "I love you"......Means she wants something....

7. "Daddy used to".....Is her way of saying you don't measure up to her old Man..........

8. "I'll think about it !!" ...Means no way Jose.....

9. "On the computer again are we".......Means only losers spend as much time on the Computer as you !!

Yes sorry to tell you but I definitely know... Uranus.... quite well......

"Would you like to..." means go and do the thing.

"Is that what you're wearing?" either means, "Go and change" or "You b*st*rd, I wish I could get away with looking as effortlessly casual as you do!" (it's usually the former)

"Could you pass me a drink?" I look round for the drink she'd like me to pass her but no, what it means is, "Get up and make me a drink, I'm comfy now. Yes, I know YOU'RE comfy too but you don't want as drink whereas I do so I think it would be nice if you got up and fetched me something as I'm sick to the back teeth of you being a lazy ****. My friends all say that their partners are infinitely better than you in every way, shape of form and if I could, I'd kill you right now....but I really need that drink and like I said, I'm comfy!"

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. I've asked her what she'd like to do, but she gave her annual answer of "I don't care". I know this means 'think for once'.

No, means Yes (hopefully... Or I am in trouble)

You should go out by yourself and then when she moans about it say, "I know what you mean when you say 'I don't care' so, I did 'think for once' and thought 'F*ck you, you ungrateful b!tch, I'll go out and enjoy myself without feeling like I've got to drag my innards over burning coals in order to get the smallest response from you. God forbid you show ANY f*cking gratitude whatsoever for the effort I've made in the past, that would just be too f*cking difficult wouldn't it, to crack a f*cking smile?!?!"

"I've heard fifty shades of Grey is a decent book"... I've booked both tickets to go watch the film.

DAVE667 wrote:You should go out by yourself and then when she moans about it say, "I know what you mean when you say 'I don't care' so, I did 'think for once' and thought 'F*ck you, you ungrateful b!tch, I'll go out and enjoy myself without feeling like I've got to drag my innards over burning coals in order to get the smallest response from you. God forbid you show ANY f*cking gratitude whatsoever for the effort I've made in the past, that would just be too f*cking difficult wouldn't it, to crack a f*cking smile?!?!"

Do I say this before or after I sing happy birthday?

Stella wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:You should go out by yourself and then when she moans about it say, "I know what you mean when you say 'I don't care' so, I did 'think for once' and thought 'F*ck you, you ungrateful b!tch, I'll go out and enjoy myself without feeling like I've got to drag my innards over burning coals in order to get the smallest response from you. God forbid you show ANY f*cking gratitude whatsoever for the effort I've made in the past, that would just be too f*cking difficult wouldn't it, to crack a f*cking smile?!?!"

Do I say this before or after I sing happy birthday?

If you sing it before you go out at least she'll remember that she was briefly happy before you f*cked up her birthday whereas if you sing it afterwards (probably whilst drunk, reeking of Kebabs and carrying a traffic cone as a "surprise present" for her) all she'll feel is unrelenting hatred...and you'll have wasted what I imagine would be a bloody lovely rendition of "Happy Birthday"

kingraf wrote:"I've heard fifty shades of Grey is a decent book"... I've booked both tickets to go watch the film.

Is Peter North in it ?

Was he one of the whips and chains?

Stella wrote:It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. I've asked her what she'd like to do, but she gave her annual answer of "I don't care". I know this means 'think for once'.

BLOKE JOKE

Hi Stella - I booked a table for me and my wife on her birthday - and, would you believe it, when we arrived she said she didn't even like snooker!

Bloke joke

"How do you keep your relationship going?"

"We have two days every week away in a hotel where we have a nice meal, a couple of bottles of expensive wine, then off to bed in the finest suite available for a night of animalistic passion."

"When do you do this?

"Well, I go on Tuesdays and the wife likes a Saturday"

When I met Jo we were both out jogging in the local park............As soon as our eyes met something electrical passed between us.... and next thing I knew... I was on top of her in the long grass...

"Wow" I thought..."These taser guns really work" !!!

The original slogan came from the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Grey.

Now, I sometimes wondered about that.   The writer used the planets as a metaphor for the different approaches by men and women in interpersonal relationships.  Mars (male) is supposed to be the harbinger of war (at least according to Gustav Holst), and Venus (female) is supposed to be placid, peaceful and calm.  

But hold on..... Mars, despite its red colour is actually very peaceful.  It is a silent place with no aggressive qualities whatsoever.   Venus, on the other hand, is a boiling, seething place of scorching temperatures and enveloped in a poisonously toxic atmosphere.

You could say that Venus is the planet of the perpetual PMT.

My wife and I were perfectly happy for 24 years. Then we met each other.