Lies from golf club websites...

Phrases collated by a friend of mine from the websites of UK golf clubs. The real meaning is shown on the right...
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small number of memberships available… if you know your own name and can put on your trousers without help you’ll be accepted

championship course … it hosts the rabbits’ championship every year

undulating course… hilly course

hilly course … it’s built in the mountains

holes have changes in elevation … bring oxygen, ropes and crampons

challenging course …pushover

interesting holes… there’s an interesting hole

defended by the wind…like playing in Antarctica

parkland course… built in a field

heathland type course… no grass

links course …less than 50 miles to the sea

course created and formed by nature…course wasn’t designed

well drained …boggy

USGA spec greens…the shorter grass at the end of the fairway

juniors encouraged… we might not shoot them

active women’s section… we have women members

active senior section … we don’t have members younger than 75

a variety of social events… annual quiz night

short game practice area… muddy area with a flag in it

driving range with quality mats and balls… shed with a mat and a yellow ball

well appointed clubhouse…it has windows

welcoming staff… "what the $%£” do you want?"

knowledgeable pro…when he’s sober

well stocked pro shop …tees and balls available

excellent in house catering…cheese and tomato sandwich is available

deluxe in house catering… cheese and tomato toasties available

and finally – members are regularly consulted about the strategic direction of the club… members aren’t consulted about the strategic direction of the club

Visitors welcome - No hackers/women/children/not on Saturday/or visitors actually come to think about it it

Based on an original layout by - nothing like the original layout by

Taking a lead from classic links courses - parkland course with catastrophically deep pot bunkers unfairly located

Book a tee time - guarantee your spot in the middle of an empty field at 2.45 on a Tuesday

Twighlight special - guarantee your spot in the middle of an empty field at 3.45 on a Tuesday

Friendly - as long as you're behind them

No handicap certificate required - please please please come and try us

Hire clubs available - £25 for three 5 irons, a 25 year old wedge 2 wooden 3 woods half an umbrella and a crazy golf putter

Your 4-ball should have reached this point in 1 hour 25 mins'- 'hurry up to ****!!'

Some good ones there George. Particularly liked:

George1507 wrote:
excellent in house catering…cheese and tomato sandwich is available

deluxe in house catering… cheese and tomato toasties available

Traditional........Cold showers
Quirky design.............On one hole you drive over three fairways.
No joining fee.........We are going bust.
25 mins from ?????.......By Lear jet

Wonderful views..........you can see nearly all of Dagenham from the 5th tee.

But aren't these 'lies', exactly the reason why we ask on here before playing a new course? Nearly always someone knows it, has played it, used to be a member of it.

Open aspect - Next hole is in another postcode

Doon the Water wrote:Traditional........Cold showers

Just had a flashback reading this Doon. I know you and oldparwin will remember 'drying rooms', but how many others do. A whole room full of steaming, smelly waterproofs!

I can still smell it OS. Some items having been left pre-war [1918]
Revolting places.

Ahh drying rooms! I've played at Aberdovey and some of the B&Bs have drying rooms, as well as the golf club!!!

Ah the smell of wet sweaty socks on the radiators, brings back a tear to my eye and a wad of cotton wool up my nose

Well this isn't a lie ...

http://81.149.202.48/view/viewer_index.shtml?id=8294

Looks nice - what are we looking at?

Oops, sorry, thought the name would have been included. Tis this year's Curtis Cup venue ... Nairn.

gaelgowfer wrote:Oops, sorry, thought the name would have been included. Tis this year's Curtis Cup venue ... Nairn.

Ah. Thanks. Looks a nice view. Played Nairn once on a very hot (but very, very windy) day in 1981 (I think) as a 15/16 year old. Remember it as an excellent course - would like to play it again some time.

Are the deer well cemented in Gael?
I know quite a few areas of our great nation where they would have dissapeared overnight.

Looks very bonny, not played that neck of the woods.

Doon the Water wrote:Are the deer well cemented in Gael?I know quite a few areas of our great nation where they would have dissapeared overnight.

Oi, why would you think I'd know the answer to that then? Think they were donated by one of the overseas american members.

Just clicked on the camera position and it's gone all weird. Looks as if it's done an about turn and facing into the clubhouse.

Never get tired of looking at the views across to the Black Isle. The views from the Castle Stuart course are even better as it's a bit closer to the Black Isle and takes in views of the Kessock Bridge and surrounding hills.

ah the black isle - can't wait to be home for new year.
never played nairn despite many opportunities. looks fantastic.