Mock Football Awards 2013 /14

Now we're getting to the end of the football season I thought I would add my tuppence worth to the plethora of gongs, statuettes and oddly shaped Perspex objects that will be handed out for all manner of footy achievements in this season.  Feel free to add to them as you will with your own special mentions:


SELFIE OF THE SEASON AWARD FOR BEING CAUGHT ON CAMERA WHILST BEING WATCHED BY ANOTHER SET OF CAMERAS

Goes to Diego Maradona during the Champions League Semi Final at Stamford Bridge.  He was caught having his piccie taken by his daughter, Dalma, who used a camera in the shape of a character from Despicable Me.   Oh, sweet irony.






THE GLASGOW KISS AWARD FOR NEARLY-HEAD-BUTT-OF-THE-SEASON

Only one winner here.  It has to be Alan Pardew for vaguely waving his head in the general direction of Hull City's David Myler.  He didn't make contact with the Tigers hard man's nut but the act alone was enough to earn him an FA touchline ban for which he was probably quite grateful as it saved him seven matches of being booed by Newcastle supporters every time he appeared in the technical area.




THE GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS AWARD FOR HERO TO ZERO OF THE SEASON

Awarded to David Moyse for giving Nigel Farage the biggest propaganda coup of his political career.  The hapless Scot went from being "The Chosen One" to "Deselected" in a mere ten months.  Louis van Gaal is widely expected to become Manchester United's next former manager.





BEARD OF THE YEAR  (sponsored by Brian Blessed)

Awarded to Tim Howard, the Everton goalkeeper for the growth sported over several months of the season.  Rumour has it he was made several offers to act as a looky likey for a number of Middle Eastern mullahs / despots, to take their place in the telescopic sights of rebels or US Navy SEALS who might want to take a pot shot at them.   Alternative offers are believed to have included a role as Captain Haddock in an upcoming Tin Tin movie and a part in King Lear.   ZZ Top have denied an interest in his post football career services.






THE WHY BOTHER AWARD FOR REPLACING ONE LOSING MANAGER WITH ANOTHER ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME

Awarded to Sunderland for replacing one highly excitable Latin* as manager who got off to a flyer by beating Newcastle and then taking the team into a losing streak that left them at the bottom of the table, with another highly excitable Latin* as manager who…… you get the message.   Probably the only reason Gus Poyet kept his job long enough to turn things around is because Sunderland couldn’t find any more highly excitable South Americans to take the job and, well, they didn’t have any more matches against Newcastle to get off to a flying start with.  Oh well, there’s always next season.



*amended from the original "South American" due to correction by pedant.

Selfie of the season - David Moyes photobombing that girl. The ones the Arsenal players did after Wigan was beyond cringe and generally laughable. 

Beard of the Season - Adam Clayton at Huddersfield.

Think you may need to review your description for the last category. Paolo di Canio is an excitable Italian.

If you're going to have a 'Why bother' category, you could have Fulham's managerial merry-go-round, or Cardiff replacing MacKay with Solskjaer. While they're not like for like replacements, I'm not sure the strategic thinking stretched much further than "we're doing badly - blame someone".

How about a "where did he go?" category for most notable tail-off of form across the season. Negredo started like a train, but seems to have disappeared.

jbeadlesbigrighthand wrote:Think you may need to review your description for the last category. Paolo di Canio is an excitable Italian.

If you're going to have a 'Why bother' category, you could have Fulham's managerial merry-go-round, or Cardiff replacing MacKay with Solskjaer. While they're not like for like replacements, I'm not sure the strategic thinking stretched much further than "we're doing badly - blame someone".

How about a "where did he go?" category for most notable tail-off of form across the season. Negredo started like a train, but seems to have disappeared.

Point taken on di Canio. I stand corrected. Will amend that to an excitable Latin.

You can join in, you know. You can put up the Where Did He Go award for Negredo. It would be good to read somebody else's caustic wit, withering sarcasm or politically incorrect satire. Take your pick. It's all fair game.