Bojan writes to Messi to tell him of the mythical land of Stoke

Dear Leo,

As promised, I am writing to let you know that I have arrived in Stoke. Gerard Pique was right. It is a real place. But the tales of endless nights filled with sheets of rain and frigid wind like a witch's breath that instantly turns foreigners to stone is not true. I have seen the sun here and it is quite warm, but I realize the season has not yet begun. Perhaps that is when the horrific conditions described on the internet curse the land. I must admit that I am still quite scared.

I have signed a contract and now I must stay for four years. They keep telling me that I am a Potter now. Does this mean that I must do drugs or learn to make decorative vases? I do not know. Again, I am scared. But I will do what I must to survive.

Once I signed the papers, they put me on another plane to join the team in Germany. All of my new teammates seem very nice. Marc Muniesa is here and he seems to be doing well (if he was blinking secret messages to me, I could not decipher them). The manager, Mark Hughes, told me he is great friends with Pep Guardiola and asked me if Pep ever spoke of him. I told him no, but Mr. Hughes said that Pep was probably just embarrassed that he taught him everything he knows and wanted to keep it a secret. This made me very excited to play for such a great man! And disappointed that Pep would keep secrets like this.

There is also an actual giant in the team. He is the size of at least 17 Xavis! The other players call him "The Crouchie." He appears to be made of enchanted broomsticks. He travels around town with a beautiful princess. I haven't spoken to her yet, but I will ask her if she is the one who brought him to life with a magic spell. He smiles a lot, so I don't think he will eat me — even though I am probably the same size as his food.

I also met another teammate called Charlie Adam. He came up to me and looked at my ankles and said, "I bet these snap easy" and then walked away. I couldn't tell if he was joking on me or not. I remain hopeful that he was.

That is all I can say right now, Leo. I am very tired and I must go to sleep before Mr. Hughes tells me again that he only played one season for Barca because Gary Lineker feared he would make him look bad.

Yours in bravery,

Bojan


http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/dirty-tackle/letters-from-bojan--arriving-in-the-mythical-land-of-stoke-063458248.html

Well this was something

I like.

Dear Leo

Will you pass on a huge deadie to Pique for me. This place is a sh*thole. 4 f**king years? WTF. My agent is a c**t. Still, "Crouchie" is entertaining. That dance. Woah, that dance. Like a robot from 1984, from 1984.

I think Mr Hughes is studying Louis Van Gaal as he's asked us all to do everything in english also. I went to see him after training as I don't think Charlie Adam is doing this. Mr Hughes just grinned and gave me a DVD of something called "trainspotting" as extra training. I have studied it and really hope we don't draw Hearts in the Europa league.

Anyway, must go we have to get the coach to Hull. Apparently it is the gateway to Europe so I am very much looking forward to an espresso outside a street cafe, am sure it will be like the times we shared on Las Ramblas in the setting sun.

Bojan