15th Press Conference (Week XIII Matches)

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?

4. Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?

5. Which player in your squad shows the best character?

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?

9. What's your darts nickname?

10. How many questions have I asked this week?

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?

Someone will say something on an innocuous thread about someone's tackle, Bam won't be able to help himself but make a sarcastic comment, which will wind them up. They'll have a discussion about who's tackle was the biggest, in which Bam will continue to fan the flames, at which point the mod will say no I'm right, end of discussion in red pen and then ban him to make sure that's the final word.

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?

Its not even on my radar yet. We're not even halfway through the season, and their are a lot of FIFA updates between now and then. I'll probably start looking when my season is over or a few weeks before the end of the season, whichever is soonest!

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?

I'm not sure anyone is to be honest. I'd label Rodgers as did an okay job with Swansea, nearly won the league with Liverpool, but the cold hard fact is that he didn't and that they got so close was more due to Suarez than him. He then went to a league where even my dead gran could manage Celtic to titles and trophies. I think he's riding on the crest of a false reputation, where he is no more than a good manager, not a great one.

Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?

Great question! Olly, Nando and Azzy. What's that? That's not what you mean? Erm, sorry. David Davis as he has great stats but isn't backing it up with performances, Kim Seung Dae as again he has great stats, but didn't really fire for Twist and Valentin, purely because I swapped my top scorer and top performer to get him, so it'll be sods law.

Which player in your squad shows the best character?

Nery Leyes does a cracking impression of Donald Duck, whilst Rodolfo and Youssef Kalfa have a beat box/breakdance combo that they came up with during their days together at Al Hazm. Turpitz is a reknowned Acapella champion back in his homeland and is desperately trying to get a group together, but has no takers so far. And Kim Seung Dae and Han Chan Hee keep bringing in homemade dog burgers for everyone to try

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Just a bit more than Edward Woodward would

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?

What?!?! None of them you weirdo. Is this a sadistic perversion on yours and you collect toes to get off on?

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?

Dragged him off kicking and screaming, by the hair if needs be. Whether you like your boss or not, what he says goes. Always been a bit too much player power at Chelsea

9. What's your darts nickname?

"Watch your eyes"

10. How many questions have I asked this week?

One too many

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?
No idea, rugby union is a game for nonces and ponces. I'd rather watch the Mauritian Lacross League than that crud. Although anything that gets Bam banned is a good thing.

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?
No point, because ratings will change so much before then. Sancho was barely above 70 when we started and by the time we get to 75, he'll be in the mid-80s.

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?
Trebs. Failure at the top level, best of the rest in the middle of the league.

4. Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?
None of my players can let me down, because I expect nothing from them. It's a win-win arrangement.

5. Which player in your squad shows the best character?
Sergio Akieme. He's had four injuries already this season and he continues to bounce straight back with a 6/10 performance every time.

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Well that depends on many factors. What kind of wood? If you're talking a durable hardwood like oak or teak, you're going to need a sizeable woodchuck. However, if you're looking at something like ash, then most woodchucks would be able to throw something I'm sure.

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?
Are you starting a collection? I'd take the middle one out, because I like symmetry.

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?
I'd have walked on to the pitch and refused to let the game carry on until he walked off. The guy is a turd of the highest order and I'd dump him in the U18s until his contract expired. The issue they have is that they should never have bought him in the first place - he's a bang average goalie.

9. What's your darts nickname?
I actually have one - it's "The Punisher". Back when I won my work darts championship in 2006, I beat everyone by being lethal on the doubles. If you missed a chance to close out a leg, I didn't give you another bite. I'm the reigning champion btw. We've not had a tournament since.

10. How many questions have I asked this week?
Not enough. Let's ask some more about me.

Afro wrote:1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?

The mod will say no I'm right, end of discussion in red pen and then ban him to make sure that's the final word.

A mod tactic I have used excellently

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?
My guess is he'll make a wager with one of the mods and then try to pay him with Monopoly money, seemingly to his domestic dealings on here!

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?
Haven't look that far ahead tbh, I should hopefully have a decent amount of moolah ready for next season however there's likely to be a fair amount of ratings changes between now and then.

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?
Whoever has the most similar characteristics to David Brent.

4. Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?
Willock and Pleguezuelo, bought them as investments and not looking like they'll get a price rise anytime soon so will likely be sold as I'm far too impatient! Mkhwanazi looks a beast defensively however his poor passing has put us in a spot of bother on a couple of occasions so he's another on the chopping block.

5. Which player in your squad shows the best character?
Luis Ibanez, doesn't grumble when constantly played in different positions and does a fantastic rendition of La Bamba.

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
I woodn't have a clue

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?
Depends, is this for business or pleasure?

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?
He wouldn't have refused, he'd have been acutely aware that he'd have been slapped about in the changing room if he'd have tried any of that nonsense.

9. What's your darts nickname?
TAB - The Astonishing Bullseyehitter - I'd also wear a cape.

10. How many questions have I asked this week?
Not enough, keep them coming.

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?
The Welsh team will literally gang bang a sheep on the pitch before their next game.

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?
Nope. None whatsoever I really should.

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?
I've put someone's name into an envelope, and will be monitoring all of you throughout the rest of the season. Don't be the name in the envelope.

4. Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?
I should probably learn to read ahead... All of them.

5. Which player in your squad shows the best character?
Hamza Choudhury, cos he's got big hair which automatically means big personality.

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Brexit. Nine eleven. Trump. Reeeeeeeeeeee

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?
None of them, ideally. Would be a bit silly. It's not like they grow back or anything.

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?
I wouldn't have tried to sub off a player for an injury if he wasn't injured in the first place, but if I had ballsed up like Sarri did, I'd definitely just do what he did. Pretend it was an innocent mix up, then fine the player and drop him for one game, completely contradicting everything I'd said to the media days earlier.

9. What's your darts nickname?
Your favourite darts player's favourite darts player.

10. How many questions have I asked this week?
If only there were some kind of numeric sequence used before each question to allow us to keep track. Never mind. A man can dream...

They should do Around the Clock as a side show at the Darts. You could do it combined with both organisations, but make the PDC players have to hit the double and the BDO just anywhere on that number, to even it up a bit

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?
Maesteg will breathe.

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?
The best false nine to ever dink a goalkeeper in a West Ham shirt.

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?
Trebs. Unequivocally

4. Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?
Marquis - hasn't made it off the bench yet.
Cantwell - name and nature
Silbeira - doesn't exist

5. Which player in your squad shows the best character?
Silbeira - plays although he doesn't exist

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
12

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?
I've got a middle one on my left foot that continually gets blistered. I was piercing it to led the liquid ooze out as I typed the questions.

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?
I too would have tried to storm off to have a fag.

9. What's your darts nickname?
I used to be Chris "The Ghostbuster" Wilkerson

10. How many questions have I asked this week?
So far? These 10, plus I've moved into a new flat so I've asked "why did you bring this?" about 600 times. That makes 11.

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?
Probably a match fixing scandal, in which bam is the ringleader and he gets snitched on by someone from the rugby page

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?
Not yet. I like to focus on the present.

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?
It has to be the trebs, viva and nick trio. Each one of them has a specific personality trait similar to Rodgers and if you were to combine all 3 of them into one person, you'd have a carbon copy of him.

4. Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?
There's no place for that type of stuff here. I treat my players equally and do not favour one over another.

5. Which player in your squad shows the best character?
One of the originals of Crewe Charlie Kirk has battled hard and diligently to earn his keep at the squad. He is one of the last remaining original players and he has chipped in with some important goals this season.

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
This question cannot be properly answered until the type of wood is specified. Is it Oak, Maple or some other one

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?
All of them. Toes are pretty much useless imho.

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?
As Sun Tzu once famously said "If you witness one of your fellow soldiers showing dissent and not following the duties he has been tasked to do, there is no choice but to kill him before his views and treacherous intent is spread to other soldiers and a rebellion is formed. In war, treason is the most sinful act a warrior can commit"

9. What's your darts nickname?
The Nadzbuster

10. How many questions have I asked this week?
11-1

nadeem2099 wrote:8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?
As Sun Tzu once famously said "If you witness one of your fellow soldiers showing dissent and not following the duties he has been tasked to do, there is no choice but to kill him before his views and treacherous intent is spread to other soldiers and a rebellion is formed. In war, treason is the most sinful act a warrior can commit"

We should give an additional £50k to the best answer of the week - if this isn't it, I don't know what is

Azzy wrote:

nadeem2099 wrote:8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?
As Sun Tzu once famously said "If you witness one of your fellow soldiers showing dissent and not following the duties he has been tasked to do, there is no choice but to kill him before his views and treacherous intent is spread to other soldiers and a rebellion is formed. In war, treason is the most sinful act a warrior can commit"

We should give an additional £50k to the best answer of the week - if this isn't it, I don't know what is

It can't be that one. It doesn't actually answer the question

Afro wrote:

Azzy wrote:

nadeem2099 wrote:8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?
As Sun Tzu once famously said "If you witness one of your fellow soldiers showing dissent and not following the duties he has been tasked to do, there is no choice but to kill him before his views and treacherous intent is spread to other soldiers and a rebellion is formed. In war, treason is the most sinful act a warrior can commit"

We should give an additional £50k to the best answer of the week - if this isn't it, I don't know what is

It can't be that one. It doesn't actually answer the question

Unless he is seriously saying Kepa should be killed

Afro wrote:1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?

Someone will say something on an innocuous thread about someone's tackle, Bam won't be able to help himself but make a sarcastic comment, which will wind them up. They'll have a discussion about who's tackle was the biggest, in which Bam will continue to fan the flames, at which point the mod will say no I'm right, end of discussion in red pen and then ban him to make sure that's the final word.

Quite accurate

Marky wrote:1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?
The Welsh team will literally gang bang a sheep on the pitch before their next game.

This would mean everything I've been saying is right

Fluxy wrote:1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?
Probably something insignificant again, but absolutely worth it as well! 

Undoubtedly

Dolphin Ziggler wrote:1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?
Maesteg will breathe.

Its usually the breathing and typing at the same time that causes most of the problems

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?

Some member with a badge goes on a power trip because its the highest level of authority he's ever managed to achieve in life

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?

Nope, by the time we get there the ratings will have probably changed hugely

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?

Whoever has been successful as a big fish in a small pond and shows no loyalty - Olly in the smaller league last season

4. Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?

Ihattaren as he's my record signing and not in the update
Greenwood as he won't get on the pitch for Utd
Palaversa if he doesn't get a massive TM rise

5. Which player in your squad shows the best character?

Whichever crackhead was doing the crazy horse a couple of weeks ago, at least he added some entertainment to my games.

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Ask maesteg, he has the final answer to most things on here

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?

I'd chop one of Olly's spare ones off and present that as mine if I have to lose a toe

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?

Dragged him off and kicked the feck out of him in the changing room

9. What's your darts nickname?

Its a Poopie game for fat blokes whose wives are enjoying an hour without a beating

10. How many questions have I asked this week?

Too feckin many

1. What will happen in the next round of Six Nations games to spark off another ban for Bam?

Widnes fan coming over and saying Rugby League is better

2. Do you have your eye on any players for when the ratings cap is raised to 75?

Yes, I have 4 currently. I am hoping they don't change too much before the end of the season

3. Which of us is most like Brendan Rodgers?

I don't actually think any of us is as bad as that cu........

4. Which three players names are you writing in envelopes as predictions for letting you down for the rest of the season?

If I told you how would you see if I was right?

5. Which player in your squad shows the best character?

Greg Taylor, could be a game changer for me next season

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

42

7. Which of your toes would you chop off?

Probably one in the middle otherwise I will fall over

8. What would you have done to Kepa as a Chelsea player on the pitch as he refused to come off?

Told him if he didn't save all 5 penalties then he would be thrown to the nice, gentle and law abiding folk of stamford bridge

9. What's your darts nickname?

Dogzy. Actually true

10. How many questions have I asked this week?

10 + the number you have asked in reality

1. No idea. Its only really posh folk that play rugby in Scotland, part of why we're rubbish, other reason being we're just rubbish. Tried to get into it recently but its too friendly. Bam should be applauded for bringing real competitive aggression and abuse to the sport.

2. Not really, first call would be Rangers players, and Morelos being the best one. So hopefully cap increases before he gets above 75 as its only a matter of time, too good for our tin pot league.

3. None I can think of. Marky I think is the only one at his 'dream club' but can't see him leaving for more cash at a smaller club on a more high profile sports gaming league.

4. Seeing as I've just signed a player on who I've been sold by Twist on the promise that he will help topple Afro in the league, it has to be Aliendro, Aliendro, Ali-en-dro

5. Don't call my name dont call my name Aliendro

6. A shed load

7. The big one, my left foot is the tiniest fraction bigger than my right one. Really annoying when you think you've found the perfect shoes. That would sort it.

8. Never liked the idea of changing keeper for penalties. Would be insulted if I was the keeper. But most keepers are psycho and Sarri looks likes he's off his nut so i'd probably do sweet hee haw or lose my shoite at both of them for putting me off my pre penalty zen.

9. "You playing or no"
Impressed by the number of actual darts players, its just a distraction from drinking for me

10. 9 good ones and this let down

1. I can't comment on what he's done to get a ban on the rugby board, but at times he does need to watch himself and think a little bit more before he speaks. On the Six Nations, I think it's far from over and I'm really looking forward to the Ireland-Wales game. Go enjoy it with your mates at the pub like normal people do.


2. Not really, it's a bit presumptious to assume I will be in the hotseat next season.


3. Afro has great character. He refuses to take default wins.


4. I've been a bit disappointed with a few of my boys, but I'm not going to name them in public. I will keep changing my squad around - that's what it's all about.


5. I've got to give a lot of credit to both Viva and Nick who have shown immense character in their time with me. I hope none of the players are too disappointed with that, but they are all disposable if the right offer comes in.


6. Lots of wood.


7. None? I assume that's not an option for the purposes on this question, so i'd get rid of my little toe on my right foot.


8. I'd have probably walked. No point in Sarri being the manager if he can't manage. Having said that, walking away from the kind of payout which he can expect if he's sacked would be bonkers. So I'd have probably done similar to what he did. I think he's right in trying to draw a line under it - it's easy to say that Caballero should get another three or four games but all that does is continue the media parade.


9. Trebs.
However. I can barely hit the dartboard, I'm awful. More interested in snooker or pool.


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