The Ten Commandments of Rugby

Thought you guys might appreciate this.

1. Thou shalt not hesitate at the breakdown, but be mighty in the seizing of your rightful ball; for though it is written that the meek shall inherit the earth, this is in truth but a poor translation. The meek shall be trampled into the dirt is more to the point.

2. Thou shalt not speak profanely of the Whistler, nor question the purity of his birth, even though he be blind to the transgressions of the evildoers among thine enemies at the ruck and the maul, and whistleth them not.

3. Thou shalt not smite thine enemies with an clenched fist, yeah, even in retaliation; for it is written that the Whistler and the Flag Waver shall assuredly be blinded to the coward which delivereth the first punch, only to see that which avengeth it second. Believeth thou then that what goeth round it shall surely come to pass again, and verily, in the fullness of time, the evil among men shall surely be found at the bottom of the ruck.

4. Thou shalt not kiss thy teammate on the mouth, even when he hath scored; for such is an abomination unto the iRB, especially he that kisseth in tongues, unless it cometh to pass that thou shouldst play with the circular balls, for then it is truly expected of thee.

5. Thou shalt not take the Word of the Lord thy Coach in vain, for blessed is the Word of that Lord. Verily, thou shalt wonder at His mighty wisdom and sticketh thou then to His Game Plan lest He acquainteth thee with these of his disciples who labour in the lower grades.

6. Thou shalt not chip nor kick for touch if thou be numbered amongst the props or if thou wear any jersey below that of the number 9; for this is an abomination unto the Word of the Lord thy Coach, and surely shalt thy soul and thy body be His at training, perhaps in everlasting pain.

7. Thou shalt not run across the field with the ball in hand, but see that thou runneth straight ahead upfield; for it is written in the Word of the Lord thy Coach that the touchline is the best defender.

8. Thou shalt not kick the ball to the hands of thine enemies unless first thou maketh it to bounce; for then the Spirit of the Bounce of the Ball shall bring confusion among them, and if thy heart be pure, shall command that it bounceth back unto you.

9. Thou shalt not pass the ball to a brother thy team-mate about to be smashed by thine enemies, unless it be known to all men that he oweth you money, or hath porked someone dear to your heart, in which case all shall be forgiven and then, verily, thou mayest pass to him right slowly and on high.

10. Thou shalt not vomit upon the brethren of thy team after the game, nay even though thou hast partaken right fully of the waters of Guinness or of the entrails of pigs in a pie or of the beans which baketh right slowly in an earthen crock, for this shall be deemed unmanly in the eyes of thy brethren, and they mayest do it unto you

Had a good laugh at that one

In south west Lancashire, babes don’t toddle, they side-step. Queuing women talk of ‘nipping round the blindside’. Rugby league provides our cultural adrenalin. It’s a physical manifestation of our rules of life, comradeship, honest endeavour, and a staunch, often ponderous allegiance to fair play.
Colin Welland (1979)

On playing his last game of rugby for Bath -I thought I would have a quiet pint … and about 17 noisy ones.
Gareth Chilcott (1993)

Playing rugby at school I once fell on a loose ball and, through ignorance and fear, held on despite a fierce pummelling. After that it took me months to convince my team-mates I was a coward.
Peter Cook (1970)


Rugby is a game for the mentally deficient… That is why it was invented by the British. Who else but an Englishman could invent an oval ball?
Peter Pook Pook’s Love Nest

There is far too much talk about good ball and bad ball. In my opinion, good ball is when you have possession and bad ball is when the opposition have it.
Dick Jeeps (1976)

You’ve got to get your first tackle in early, even if it’s late.
Ray Gravell

Forwards are the gnarled and scarred creatures who have a propensity for running into and bleeding all over each other.
Peter Fitzsimmons

I don’t know why prop forwards play rugby.
Lionel Weston (1974)

In 1823, William Webb Ellis first picked up the ball in his arms and ran with it. And for the next 156 years forwards have been trying to work out why.
Sir Tasker Watkins (1979)

On the Munsterpack- Mothers keep their photo on the mantelpiece to stop the kids going too near the fire.
Jim Noilly, BBC TV (1995)

In my time, I’ve had my knee out, broken my collarbone, had my nose smashed, a rib broken, lost a few teeth, and ricked my back; but as soon as I get a bit of bad luck I’m going to quit the game.
J. W. Robinson

I prefer rugby to soccer. I enjoy the violence in rugby, except when they start biting each other’s ears off.
Elizabeth Taylor (1972)

Rugby football is a game I can’t claim absolutely to understand in all its niceties, if you know what I mean. I can follow the broad, general principles, of course. I mean to say, I know that the main scheme is to work the ball down the field somehow and deposit it over the line at the other end and that, in order to squalch this programme, each side is allowed to put in a certain amount of assault and battery and do things to its fellow man which, if done elsewhere, would result in 14 days without the option, coupled with some strong remarks from the Bench.
P. G. Wodehouse Very Good, Jeeves (1930)

Before the New Zealand v England World Cup semi-final- Remember that rugby is a team game; all 14 of you make sure you pass the ball to Jonah.
Anon fax to N.Z. team (1995)

someone needs to tell McCaw to brush up on the commandments

4. Thou shalt not kiss thy teammate on the mouth, even when he hath scored; for such is an abomination unto the iRB, especially he that kisseth in tongues, unless it cometh to pass that thou shouldst play with the circular balls, for then it is truly expected of thee.


This reminded me of a 12th man quote:

Bill: Oh one of his teammates has come and thrown him a big hi-5 and missed and got him right in the eye. Ifeel Sickdal clutching his face. Well this is just pathetic play by Pakistan

Richie: Very, very stupid indeed

Bill: It's really unacceptable this. They lack the skill required to give the hi-5 and if their going to go around and throw the willy-nilly, well accidents like this are bound to happen

Richie: Well I'd go one step further and say that the hi-5, should be outlawed from the game fully. It's just some cepo cowpat that the West Indies introduced. Now I reckon when it comes to congratulating your team-mates, there's simply nothing better than the traditional Australian hug, kiss or a lick... A grop on the arse or a bit of a dry root. Its still the most appropriate and exuberant way of celebrating and I think its also the most masculane and manly way of going about it.

Very, very good, Biltong.

My favourite one being:

9. Thou shalt not pass the ball to a brother thy team-mate about to be smashed by thine enemies, unless it be known to all men that he oweth you money, or hath porked someone dear to your heart, in which case all shall be forgiven and then, verily, thou mayest pass to him right slowly and on high.

Looks like you're going to hell for breaking commandment number two Biltong!

Good to see some Billy Birmingham fans in the NH. Will need to break out those CDs with this warmer weather.

So get your copy now. Oh f**t it. Pretty good frames these. Certainly haven't f***ed around with the quality. Just 100 000 in print so get your copy now before it's too late.

My favourite SH sports satirists were 'Roy and HG'. John Doyle and Greig Pickaver. Are they still going at any level down there?

I have such memories of those two making me laugh out loud so much in the 90s when I was down there.

Kiwi Jedi has 10 commandments too.
WARNING - may contain Kiwi coarse words and Anglo Saxon type vocabulary.


http://vimeo.com/22280667

Whilst reading this fine thread, a proper religious conundrum popped up on the telly. (MT's funeral).

When was Mike Gatting voted Archbishop of Canterbury oops Bishop of London?

Gatting


His Reverence

Biltong
great stuff, really enjoyed these 10.

Hmmm, greytiger. I'm not seeing it, I have to say. One of those guys looks like Santy in his day wear, when off duty and shaved down a bit for summer weather. The other looks like an aging Ming the Merciless.

I'll let you decide which is which.

SecretFly wrote:My favourite SH sports satirists were 'Roy and HG'. John Doyle and Greig Pickaver. Are they still going at any level down there?

I have such memories of those two making me laugh out loud so much in the 90s when I was down there.

Still around, occasionally on the radio. HG makes the odd appearance on The Project.

Funny, I was down at Bronte Beach a couple of months ago and thought I saw a rock sculpture of HG at the base of the cliff.

Then he moved. It was the Pick himself! Said g'day to him.

kiakahaaotearoa wrote:Looks like you're going to hell for breaking commandment number two Biltong!

Good to see some Billy Birmingham fans in the NH. Will need to break out those CDs with this warmer weather.

So get your copy now. Oh f**t it. Pretty good frames these. Certainly haven't f***ed around with the quality. Just 100 000 in print so get your copy now before it's too late.

I had a 8 hour drive last friday,so I cracked out the cds and the time just flew by!


Speaking of SH comedy I also enjoyed Pulp Sport, made me laugh.

Biltong wrote:

6. Thou shalt not chip nor kick for touch if thou be numbered amongst the props or if thou wear any jersey below that of the number 9; for this is an abomination unto the Word of the Lord thy Coach, and surely shalt thy soul and thy body be His at training, perhaps in everlasting pain.

What are you trying to suggest about props here Bilt?



Also 'thou shalt not knock on after the fatties have just won you the damn ball'

Also scraping together some funny rugby quotes, dont know validity but enjoy anyways.

"Every time I went to tackle him, Horrocks went one way, Taylor went the other, and all I got was the bloody hyphen."
Nick England, On trying to stop Phil Horrocks-Taylor

"A major rugby tour by the British Isles to New Zealand is a cross between a medieval crusade and a prep school outing."
John Hopkins

"I don't know about us not having a Plan B when things went wrong, we looked like we didn't have a Plan A."
Geoff Cooke (1995), After England had been humbled by New Zealand in the World Cup semi-final

On England's new look against Australia: "This looks a good team on paper, let's see how it looks on grass."
Nigel Mellville (1984)

On his son Huw's choice to play for England: "I knew he would never play for Wales ... he's tone deaf."
Vemon Davies (1981)

"Me? As England's answer to Jonah Lomu? Joanna Lumley, more likely."
Damian Hopley (1995)

On Jonah Lomu: "There's no doubt about it, he's a big Bar Steward."
Gavin Hastings (1995)

Brilliant Biltong, nice work

Great topic, Bilt.

On the rugby quotes thing, I always liked:

Gareth Chilcott after Dai Young had been cheating against him several times in the scrum-

"Do that again, son, and you'll live up to your name"