Why Your Team Sucks NFC South

The NFC South's turn.

Atlanta
Your 2012 record: 13-3. No one makes a 13-3 record look thoroughly underwhelming quite like the Falcons.

Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Jacquizz Rodgers, who has awesome taste in shirts but is the kind of annoying fantasy player who gets talked up before the start of the season ("He's the next Jamaal Charles!") before getting stuck in a timeshare. This season, Quizz will be splitting the rock with Steven Jackson just enough to render both men useless for fantasy purposes. HOORAY!

Carolina
Why your team sucks: Be sure to re-read Ryan Kalil's newspaper ad from last preseason guaranteeing the Panthers would win the Super Bowl. It's even funnier now that you know what a complete disaster this team has become. Before he got the axe, former GM Marty Hurney stocked this team with three historically putrid drafts AND spent $68 million in guaranteed money on DeAngelo, Jonathan Stewart, and linebacker Jon Beason, who played a whopping four games last year before getting hurt. That means the Panthers had no money this offseason to improve their Poopie pass defense or find someone, ANYONE, for poor Cam to throw the ball to. It's gonna be yet another year of forcing the ball into triple coverage in the hopes that Steve Smith will punch enough people in the face to have room to catch it.

New Orleans
Your coach: Wine-swilling bounty program overlord Sean Payton, back after a year in Ginger Hammer-imposed exile. And the best part is that Saints fans believe having Payton back will solve all of the team's problems, which might be possible if Payton played both cornerback and defensive end. In a league with so many terrible defenses, the Saints had the worst defense by FAR.

Why your team doesn't suck: Turns out none of the OTHER teams in this division can play defense either.

Tampa Bay
Your coach: Greg Schiano. Greg Schiano could win 15 Super Bowls (don't worry, he won't actually do this) and the first thing people will still remember about him is that he's the meathead who likes bum rushing the victory formation.

The best part is that, when people shat all over on Schiano for attacking a defenseless quarterback, he got all huffy and was like DURRRR WELL 'ROUND HERE WE DON'T GIVE UP JUST BECAUSE WE LOST DURRRR. He's actually proud of his idiot strategizing, as if other teams are pussies for NOT doing this. He's the perfect moron coach—the kind of coach who thinks he can magically solve all of a team's problems by JACKIN' UP THE 'TUDE. I bet he has a sign up in the locker room that says PRIDE and nothing else. Never say die! Swarm to the ball! Hit someone in the mouth! MASTER YOUR ASS. Greg Schiano is the kind of sap who thinks that's a novel way of approaching his profession. I look forward to one of his players Poopie in his car trunk.