Letter from Pat Lambie to Heyneke and his response.

It is Friday so I thought I will write a little mock letter from Patrick Lambie to Heyneke Meyer.

Enjoy.

Dear Coach.

I am confused. For the past seven test matches I have been warming the bench and as you know some of these matches were played in some rather unpleasant weather. This is leading to me getting piles, and man do they hurt. Have you ever had a splinter in your piles?

Well let me tell you it is not a pleasant experience.

I was reading the Supersport Q & A you did for some of the supporters at home and I was really shocked to find out that you are giving Johan Goosen Carte Blanche to play the game as he sees fit. Now this is contradictory to the reasons you gave me for not making the starting XV. I was told there were several reasons why I am not starting, never mind the fact that I hardly if ever get any time as a substitution.

You said to me and I quote “how many games have you played for the Bulls?”

You also said to me “ Don’t run, just kick, in fact don’t even kick the ball, pass it to Morne so he can kick it. Best option is not even to catch the ball, stay away from it and watch Morne, you can learn a lot from him.”

Now you have dropped Morne, so who must I watch now?

If Johan plays his own game, then everything I have been learning from Morne is going to be forgotten because Johan runs the ball.

What I really don’t understand is why Johan is allowed to run the ball and not me, what makes him so special? To add to the confusion he hasn’t played for the Bulls either.

But what really irks me is Zane Kirchner, he doesn’t do what you want either, because he kicks the ball and never gives it to Morne, and when he decides to run with the ball, he NEVER passes, not even to Habs who has been complaining of getting stiff on the wing.

I have heard rumours that you believe my defence is suspect and that I am out of form. Well let me tell you, if you sat on the bench as long as I have getting splinters and getting no gametime, it is really very hard to show any form, and just for your information, did you see how Zane completely missed the tackle on Smith when he was the cover defender?

I told Habs I was going to write you a letter and he asked whether you could please tell the kickers not to kick so deep, he knows he is fast, but not even a Lamborghini will cover 80 meters in the time a ball has to travel.

I know the kicking game is your speciality and it forms a big part of our game, but why does Jean de Villiers get to run with the ball, we all know he can’t kick, and he doesn’t pass either. Why is it that you have one set of rules for me and no rules for any of the other players in the backline?

I just want you to know that I am following the right channels, I first spoke to Jean (Cappie) and he got very angry when I asked him why he is allowed to run and not pass, so the next step is for me to talk to you, I don’t want to pull a Quade Cooper on you, but it seems you leave me no choice.

I have opened a twitter account and I am not afraid to use it.

One last thing, some of the guys want to know whether this is the last we have seen from Dean Greyling?

Yours Truly
Pat (splinters) Lambie

Dear Patrick.

Thank you for writing to me and I will be as honest as I can.

Firstly, you can’t kick far enough Pat, your boot is weak, have you noticed how Frans, Morne, Johan and Zane would strap 100kg weights to their ankles when they train? It allows them to build muscle mass to kick the leather off the ball. You talk about timing the ball, timing is boot speed, I can’t bargain on hoping you would time the ball, I need players who can kick the leather off the ball even if they mistime it.

You want to run the ball, and you believe beating the defender with a sidestep or a dummy is the way to go, but I ask you, what if your sidestep doesn’t work, what if your dummy doesn’t work? I need players that can run through brick walls, did you ever see the advert on TV where Pierre Spies ran through a brick wall when his TV was stolen? Now that is what I want, I am always accused of not having a back up plan, well that is simply not true, my back up plan is if you can’t run around the defence or dummy then at least you can run through the defence.

As for you sitting on the bench, the reason is obvious, the bulls are lying bottom of the table in the Currie Cup, I can’t have you running around in your Sharks team scoring from all angles and beating the Bulls now, can I?

What do you think will happen if I pick 14 bulls in the starting fifteen and the Bulls have come last in the Currie Cup, how do I then justify picking them all?

You are getting paid for doing nothing, be thankful.

Regards

Heyneke Meyer.

I have opened a twitter account and I am not afraid to use it.

lostinwales wrote:

I have opened a twitter account and I am not afraid to use it.

Biltong should set up a "Fake Pat Lambie" account

(or get whoever does the "Fake Gavin Henson" one to do it, that one is quite funny)