Friday Relief: Sporting quotes

As it's Friday, the sun is shining over my office and they've just said we can leave early for the day I reckon today's global topic should be this:

Funniest sporting quotes.

Put forward here your favourites from over the years on whatever sport you enjoy!

" Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

You watch the pitlane while I stop the start watch...

The boot's on the other Schumacher now!

Well, we now have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.

Unless I'm very much mistaken... I am very much mistaken.

All the genius that is Murray Walker.


I never criticise referees and I'm not going to change a habit for that prat.
Ron Atkinson

Someone better get down there and explain the offside rule to her - Andy Gray ;-)

Interviewer......Where will this game be won?
Mark Jones, at the time captain of Pooler, "On the pitch"

Ex heavyweight boxing contender, Tex Cobb :

“It’s one thing to call me white and slow. But to call me a fat, cowardly, cocaine-snorting, fight fixing cheat? Who are they calling fat?”

“I only had two fights as an amateur and lost both of them. Heck, I figure I didn’t have much of a future there. So I turned pro.”

“Hollywood’s a great place to vacation, but I wouldn’t want to live there. The people don’t have a concept of reality. Their reality is how good they pretend. "

“I love acting. It’s easy for me. All you do is look in the camera, smile, and lie with charm. I learned how to do that watching Don King promote fights.”

“Don King is one of the great humanitarians of our time. He has risen above that great term prejudice. He has screwed everybody he has ever been around. Hog, dog or frog, it don’t matter to Don. If you got a quarter, he wants the first twenty-six cents.”

“Don King is like everybody else in boxing. He’s a liar, a thief, a murderer and a racketeer. And a con man. But there ain’t anybody as bad as Bob Arum. That New York City Jew lawyer will make you hate city folks, Jews, and lawyers in the same day.”

“I find it a drag being sensitive twelve hours a day. I’ve got thirty minutes of sensitivity in me in the morning, thirty minutes in the evening and that’s it. I’m more at home kicking butt.”

“All I want to do is hit somebody in the mouth. It’s a whole lot easier than working for a living.”

“People always ask if success is going to change me, and I tell them I sure hope so.”

“I figure I’ve been hit in the head with everything ‘cept a ‘54 Pontiac.”

When asked before the fight if he was afraid of Larry Holmes, Tex replied, “What the hell is this guy going to do to me? Hit me? You think I got all this scar tissue running into parked cars?”

Tex explained away the loss to Holmes. " When I got up I stuck to my plan - stumbling forward and getting hit in the face.”

Cobb was delighted that the brutality of the Holmes fight had driven Howard Cosell from the fight game for good. Cobb said it was “My gift to boxing.”

One thing that gets me, is before a football match whilst being interviewed the manager says he hopes for a result.

Well of course, whether you win, lose or draw its still a result!

Not particularly funny but well worth remembering...

The more I practise, the luckier I get - golfer, Gary Player

Tug Mcgraw: When asked if he preferred natural grass to Astroturf, "I don't know -- I've never smoked Astroturf."

And some gems from Gordon Strachan

On Wayne Rooney...

"It's an incredible rise to stardom; at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: No, still Scottish, 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Brilliant
Strachan at his very best. Cheers for that post

Superstitions? Well, I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock — Barry Venison

"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said."
US Open TV Commentator

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
Lee Trevino

"Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
Paul Harvey

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing
Phyllis Diller, entertainer

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
P.G. Wodehouse

After a particularly dire 45 mins Alex Ferguson is asked, "Will you pull Wayne Rooney off at half time?"

His reply, "No, he'll get an orange like everyone else!"

DAVE667 wrote:After a particularly dire 45 mins Alex Ferguson is asked, "Will you pull Wayne Rooney off at half time?"

His reply, "No, he'll get an orange like everyone else!"

Best one yet, for me.

not sporting funnies, but this just was just sent to me by a mate at work on e-mail and its perfect for a Friday fun thread:

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

FAMILY FORTUNES
Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
Name the capital of France? - F
Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
Something that floats in a bath? - Water
An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
A famous Royal? - Mail
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
A sign of the Zodiac? - April
Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
Something you put on walls? - A roof
Something slippery? - A conman
A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
A jacket potato topping? - Jam
A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
Something red? - My sweater

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

Y I Man wrote:DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

Brilliant.

This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing. (Said during a weightlifting competition)
- Pat Glenn

Loved YI's Family Fortunes answers........A jacket potato topping? - Jam.......PMSL!

Solerina

I liked

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Williie"

A racing commentator once said, during a race... " Tony McCoy looks between his legs and likes what he sees there"

Solerina

Dreadfully non PC and dated but I like it:

Italian hurdler Eddy Ottoz was asked about his unshaven appearance.

He replied "Italian men and Russian women never shave before a race."

Football manager "I don't make predictions but I think we'll win"

Not really a quote but a couple of cricket sledges that make me chuckle.

Glenn McGrath to Zimbamwe N011 Eddo Barnes:"Why are you so fat?

Barnes replied:"Because everytime I Sh*g your wife she gives me a biscuit.

And another one:

Rod Marsh to Ian Botham:"How's your wife and my kids?"

Botham:"The wife's fine but the kids are retarded."

Not a quote by anybody famous but when my husband played senior amateur football one of the players said to him after the match "in that second half I only had one kick.. that was a header and I missed it"

Can't think of any off the top of my head but had to come here and say thanks for the laughs. This thread has cheered me up no end

Hero, how about keeping this one as a permanent thread (perhaps a global sticky if there is such a thing) that everyone can share funnies with as and when?

A famous snooker one, I can't remember the colours involved but it went along the lines of....

For those of you watching in black and white, the blue ball is the one behind the brown

If everything is under control you are going to slow - Mario Andretti

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

--------------------

Still making me giggle!

"There goes Juantorena, opening up his legs and showing his class"

Perfect!

"The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?"
- Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon, talking about Europe

I remember a horse coming second in a huge race, the owner was beside himself with glee and excitement and on being interviewed, he was almost out of control and kept saying " We couldn't have had better result.....we couldn't have had a better result".

Well yes you could matey.....you could have won! lol............ I knew what he meant tho', but it struck me as funny at the time.

Actually,that's pretty cr*p....but keep your funny quotes coming folks....I'm loving reading them....especially the rude ones lol

Solerina

For Solerina - wasn't there a horse racing one where the commentator said about the jockey in the lead ... "he's ahead of the field, takes a quick glance between his legs and likes what he sees"

A few from the main men of crazy quotes, Ron Atkinson and Kevin Keegan.


“He can’t speak Turks, but you can tell he’s delighted.”

“The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they’re not careful.”

“Goalkeepers aren’t born today until they’re in their late 20s or 30s and sometimes not even then. Or so it would appear. To me anyway. Don’t you think the same?”

“It’s like a toaster, the ref’s shirt pocket. Every time there’s a tackle, up pops a yellow card. I’m talking metaphysically now of course.”

“The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it or draw it even.”

“Chile have three options – they could win or they could lose. It’s up to them, the tide is in their court now.”

“England have the best fans in the world and Scotland’s fans are second to none.”

“Using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength. You could say that that’s his strong point.”

“Using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength. You could say that that’s his strong point.”

Davie wrote:For Solerina - wasn't there a horse racing one where the commentator said about the jockey in the lead ... "he's ahead of the field, takes a quick glance between his legs and likes what he sees"

Yes Davie.....that's the one I posted earlier, it was Simon Holt commentating, if I remember correctly.
AP nearly always looks back between his legs, rather than looking round, which can unbalance the horse.

Solerina

AP nearly always looks back between his legs, rather than looking round, which can unbalance the horse

-----

I think that would unbalance anyone Solerina

Oh sorry I must've missed that one being posted earlier!

:whereistheblushsmilie:

Some Beckham quotes, i love number 6

“My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about seven.”

“Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level. Well, he’s the only manager I’ve actually had at this level. But he’s the best manager I’ve ever had.”

“Are you a volatile player?”
“Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.”

Guiliem Balague: “At least you’re still two points clear of Valencia” (After drawing with them at the weekend).
Becks: “I thought it was three after we got a point tonight.”


“We’ve been asked to do ‘Playboy’ together, me and Victoria, as a pair. I don’t think I’ll ever go naked, but I’ll never say never.”


Gary Newbon: “David, was Wayne Rooney disappointed to lose his youngest goalscorer record on Monday to the young Swiss striker?”
David Beckham: “No, but I’m sure it’ll just make him even more determined to get it back against Portugal tonight.”


“The thought of pulling on any shirt other than the red one of United just doesn’t appeal to me. There’s no bigger club in the world than United so why should I want to leave? I want to stay at Manchester United, become captain and be the best player in the world.”
…

“No matter who we’re playing against, or who our opponents are, we want to win the game.”

“That was in the past – we’re in the future now.”

“We’re definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don’t know into which religion!”

That's why footballers brains are located somewhere in
their socks

yummymummy wrote:That's why footballers brains are located somewhere in
their socks

Judging on the reports in the tabloid press concerning the exploits of some of them I would suggest it is slightly further up than that

I've always liked Dean Martin's -

"Don't drink and drive. Don't even putt!"

On a personal note, i had a friend i used to play football with who, after hitting a shot which came back off the bar, he said to me "as soon as i hit that i knew it was either in or it wasn't" - brilliant!
Another time another friend of mine mentioned his rabbit was pregnant and this same guy replied "is he?"

Ha ha, not the sharpest tool in the box!

Neil Harvey's at slip, with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle.

Brian Johnston

A few years back CH4 Morning Line used to do a caption competition,a photo was shown and you sent your ideas about who was saying what and so on.One edition had a photo of Sarah Ferguson(Duchess Of York)riding what looked like a polo pony,Leslie Graham asked the assembled panel if they had any ideas,Francome came out with the classic......
" I bet that isnt the first time shes had fifteen hands between her legs!!"

Not a quote, but just wanted to share this.
Mario Balotelli Vs Bib Youtube Link Click Here

What a plonker !!

Brian Moore had a quality line during a Leeds United game a few years back:

"It's Dorigo......no it's Wallace"

For those of you who may not be aware, Tony Dorigo is white and Rod Wallace is black!