The Culture Cup Round 6 - new but not really improved

First topic message reminder :

And I am beating Galted.

Life is good.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Rowley wrote:she is a frightful racist.

You should put her in touch with Sean.

I'm not a racist, my blood niece is a brown baby.

I just don't like Pakistani cricketers, Israelis / Arabs and Americans. And drunk Abos who want to beat me up. Don't really fancy oriental women as well, unless they are half and half like Jenson Buttons missus.

Angry Kiwi Watch

Rant began at 24/4/14 appr 15:00 (I wasn't able to witness it but have been reliably informed by 2 colleagues)

Length of rant: unclear, entire duration 90 minutes though actual ranting time was probably closer to 15 minutes
Ferocity of rant: 4/5
Description of rant: shouting incomprehensibly, occasional screaming of "f*cking", "c*nts" and "w*nkers", punching a door (once) and kicking a row of cages (at least three times)
Head colour: crimson
Reason for rant: the trolley he's using to move redundant IT equipment from one area to another wouldn't easily fit past cages of pcs lining the walls.  Trolley was overstacked (by him) so that bits kept falling off, occasionally jamming the wheels
Attire: black & white shirt, black trousers
Hilarity of rant for others: 5/5

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Rowley wrote:Right, suspect it isn't that sort of night. Really hope it isn't, it is in Barnsley so could end horrifically badly.

I think Frank is packing a huge member as well.

Would hate to think you felt inadequate.

Will Frank be checking out the members of the audience?

Yes, in between his usual incoherent mutterings, carefully scripted answers and the occasional ever so witty, "you know what I mean Arry".

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Yes, in between his usual incoherent mutterings, carefully scripted answers and the occasional ever so witty, "you know what I mean Arry".

I saw graffiti on a toilet wall as a kid that I always remember. It read 'I have just laid a log like Frank Bruno's leg'. Still makes me chuckle to this day.

You will not diminish my good mood this morning Tina. I am in that good a mood I may even do my top ten seventies albums thread, on the back of the success of the sixties would be daft not to.

I was feeling a bit low this morning until I decided to blast out Haim in my car on the way to work. Very uplifting are those girls.

Rowley wrote:You will not diminish my good mood this morning Tina.

Believe it or not, I am doing it out of love.

I don't like to think of you wasting your hard earned cash on these things. Although I wouldn't go myself, I can just about understand the macabre interest surrounding Tyson, but Frank Bruno? He is a clown, and not a very funny one at that. The one or two interesting things he has ever done are well documented. The rest of his life composes wearing a skirt and repeating stupid catchphrases.

You may as well come round mine and I will black myself up, wear a dress and mutter things about the 1990's.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Rowley wrote:You will not diminish my good mood this morning Tina.

Believe it or not, I am doing it out of love.

I don't like to think of you wasting your hard earned cash on these things.  Although I wouldn't go myself, I can just about understand the macabre interest surrounding Tyson, but Frank Bruno?  He is a clown, and not a very funny one at that.  The one or two interesting things he has ever done are well documented.  The rest of his life composes wearing a skirt and repeating stupid catchphrases.  

You may as well come round mine and I will black myself up, wear a dress and mutter things about the 1990's.

There's a woman who looks exactly like him who works at London Bridge & Cannon Street stations. You could have a wander around our superb stations next time you're in the capital (after you've finished browsing the second-hand bookshops on Charing Cross Road of course) and have your photo taken with him/her.

Will Bruno give a reasonable explanation for that huge gut?

Mind the windows Tino. wrote: I don't like to think of you wasting your hard earned cash on these things.  .

My cash is in no way, shape or form hard earned.

I share your concerns Tina, but am a fan of these evening with dos. To be honest though is a lottery whether they are any good. I went to one with Holyfield the other week and it was awful, they charged a fortune to get in, extra on top for a photo and he point blank refused to sign anything, then when he did a speech he did not shut up. He had been talking an hour before he was out of the amateurs.

Whilst Frank’s act is well worn and familiar at least he has one, and has an ability to laugh at himself. As this one is reasonably cheap and local I am willing to give it a go. Also still have the gloves Holyfield refused to sign I need to do something with!

Interesting Uninteresting Bruno related anecdote for you.  I went to the Bruno v McCall fight at Wembley in '95 or whenever it was and was actually caught on the Sky TV camera when they pan around the crowd as we were in one of the front rows of the stands.  It is a full on, lingering mug shot of me and my mate.  I used to have the fight on VHS and watched it periodically to see how famous I was.  I am wearing a retro, black adidas tracksuit top and sporting bleach blond hair, looking like some idiotic Robbie Williams and Liam Gallagher love child. Those were the days.  Far removed from the handsome, suave and charming man I have grown into.  So if you want to see what a young Tino looked like, get hold of the footage.

Ask Frank tonight if he remembers me?

I once went to a 'rugby-ish' dinner that had most of the 2003 world cup winners in attendance. Speakers included Inverdale and Iain Robertson (bald jock rugby commentator guy?). The standout of the show though was Martin Bayfield (England 2nd row ex-policeman now TV presenter). He was bloody funny.

Will do Tina, on a similar vein if you want to see what I look like get hold of footage of the Johnny Nelson Adam Watt fight from the Doncaster Dome a few years ago, am sat on my own in around the fourth row, directly in front of where the camera points. Whilst my seating location was perfect my choice of a thick grey sweater did little to make me stand out on the TV. Similarly I also had the fight on VHS, but binned it when I no longer had a video player.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:  So if you want to see what a young Tino looked like, get hold of the footage.

Must be on you tube. What round?

seanmichaels wrote:I once went to a 'rugby-ish' dinner that had most of the 2003 world cup winners in attendance. Speakers included Inverdale and Iain Robertson (bald jock rugby commentator guy?). The standout of the show though was Martin Bayfield (England 2nd row ex-policeman now TV presenter). He was bloody funny.

I went to some corporate thing at Lords a few summers back and the guest speakers during lunch were Mervyn Hughes and Graham Thorpe. Merv was absolutely ball-breakingly funny. I literally (and I mean literally, Jeff) had tears streaming down my face as he proceeded to tear Thorpe apart on the stage. Poor old Graham didn't know what was hitting him and couldn't wait to get out of there. Loads of people were heckling Hughes as well but he was so quick witted he was shooting them all down.

Gladstone 'no neck' Small was there as well. Charming man.

seanmichaels wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:  So if you want to see what a young Tino looked like, get hold of the footage.

Must be on you tube. What round?

It wasn't during the fight. It was sometime between the main support (Nigel Benn if memory serves me correctly) and the Bruno ring walk.

I haven't been to a boxing match or a dinner with speakers yet but I went to the 1998 Wimbledon v Aston Villa clash at Selhurst Park and you can probably see me in the crowd because it was Wimbledon v Aston Villa.

I was at a Joe Calzaghe evening a wee while back, and confusingly was being interviewed by Willie Thorne...

Galted wrote:I haven't been to a boxing match or a dinner with speakers yet but I went to the 1998 Wimbledon v Aston Villa clash at Selhurst Park and you can probably see me in the crowd because it was Wimbledon v Aston Villa.

Do you want to come round my house for dinner?

Guest speakers are Jeff who will delivering a speech on immigration and why it is a good thing for the UK economy and Sean who is supposed to be delivering a speech on cricket pitch preparation but will probably just be swaying and telling us " I f*cking love you guyssshh. No honeshhhtly, I really f*cking love you". Can I have another beer?".

Can I have a different subject Tina? I care little for the one you have chosen me.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Galted wrote:I haven't been to a boxing match or a dinner with speakers yet but I went to the 1998 Wimbledon v Aston Villa clash at Selhurst Park and you can probably see me in the crowd because it was Wimbledon v Aston Villa.

Do you want to come round my house for dinner?

Guest speakers are Jeff who will delivering a speech on immigration and why it is a good thing for the UK economy and Sean who is supposed to be delivering a speech on cricket pitch preparation but will probably just be swaying and telling us " I f*cking love you guyssshh.  No honeshhhtly, I really f*cking love you".  Can I have another beer?".

Thanks, Tino, sounds quite enchanting. I'll bring a print-out of the spreadsheet I made of all the films I've bought and the GSoE ratings they received and the cat as well.

I can provide the link for you to read prior to the dinner just in case? Not very good at public speaking. Fascinating stuff / read

http://static.ecb.co.uk/files/ts4-recommended-guidelines-for-the-construction-preparation-and-maintenance-of-cricket-pitches-and-outfields-at-all-levels-of-the-game-1337.pdf

Galted wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Galted wrote:I haven't been to a boxing match or a dinner with speakers yet but I went to the 1998 Wimbledon v Aston Villa clash at Selhurst Park and you can probably see me in the crowd because it was Wimbledon v Aston Villa.

Do you want to come round my house for dinner?

Guest speakers are Jeff who will delivering a speech on immigration and why it is a good thing for the UK economy and Sean who is supposed to be delivering a speech on cricket pitch preparation but will probably just be swaying and telling us " I f*cking love you guyssshh.  No honeshhhtly, I really f*cking love you".  Can I have another beer?".

Thanks, Tino, sounds quite enchanting.  I'll bring a print-out of the spreadsheet I made of all the films I've bought and the GSoE ratings they received and the cat as well.

Best not bring the cat, I am not a fan. I am a fan of the GSoE though so do bring that along.

Jeff, can you put something together about the healing properties of Radox baths? Don't wish to patronise, but maybe bring some free samples to hand out to guests? That would really add something to your speech.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Gladstone 'no neck' Small was there as well.  Charming man.

I remember Gladstone Small for 2 things - no neck and no balls.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:
 Don't wish to patronise, but maybe bring some free samples to hand out to guests?  That would really add something to your speech.

Shotgun the free hair net.

seanmichaels wrote:I can provide the link for you to read prior to the dinner just in case? Not very good at public speaking. Fascinating stuff / read

http://static.ecb.co.uk/files/ts4-recommended-guidelines-for-the-construction-preparation-and-maintenance-of-cricket-pitches-and-outfields-at-all-levels-of-the-game-1337.pdf

If the foreword by David Collier is anything to go by it's going to be an excellent read.

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Gladstone 'no neck' Small was there as well.  Charming man.

I remember Gladstone Small for 2 things - no neck and no balls.

I remember a particularly brave half century he scored against the Aussies batting at number 10.

Jules wrote:I remember Gladstone Small for 2 things - no neck and no balls.

Nice to see you are hitting your stride again Julius, feeling better?

Oh, and will Mrs Window's be cooking? Can it be something more filling than Beetroot and Balsamic vinegar soup, and not fishy?

Galted wrote:

seanmichaels wrote:I can provide the link for you to read prior to the dinner just in case? Not very good at public speaking. Fascinating stuff / read

http://static.ecb.co.uk/files/ts4-recommended-guidelines-for-the-construction-preparation-and-maintenance-of-cricket-pitches-and-outfields-at-all-levels-of-the-game-1337.pdf

If the foreword by David Collier is anything to go by it's going to be an excellent read.

Chapter 2 Part iii is a terrific section. I have to admit Autumn / Winter renovations are my favourite part of the job. Watching a Koro Fieldtopmaker in action is better than lesbian porn.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:
Best not bring the cat, I am not a fan.  

As you wish, Tino, but the routine is coming along really well.  It starts with the trying to force her into the cat transport box - you'd be astonished at the variety of angles at which a cats legs can protrude and how tightly their paws can grip edges.  Then we do the attack routine where she savages the catnip elephant-on-a-string featuring a comibination of paws (1, 2 or 4) and teeth.  After that we do the stand on Galted's chest and bite his nasal septum until his tears reach his collar.  Then it's back into the box and get the bandages and Savlon out.

Am developing something of a penchant for Jazz music at the minute Tina, could I not do a speech about that, would force me to learn more about it and I could have musical aids to distract from my monotone voice and discomfort about public speaking.

seanmichaels wrote:Oh, and will Mrs Window's be cooking? Can it be something more filling than Beetroot and Balsamic vinegar soup, and not fishy?

Almost certainly not. Local takeaway. I hoping she goes out and takes the kids so we can all enjoy a communal bath to put Jeff's free samples to good use.

Rowley wrote:Am developing something of a penchant for Jazz music at the minute Tina, could I not do a speech about that, would force me to learn more about it and I could have musical aids to distract from my monotone voice and discomfort about public speaking.

I hate Jazz music more than I hate cats.

I am beginning to think I need to get someone else as a guest speaker.

rick_dagless wrote:

Jules wrote:I remember Gladstone Small for 2 things - no neck and no balls.

Nice to see you are hitting your stride again Julius, feeling better?

Still feel pretty sh1tty tbh. Such is life.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote: I hoping she goes out and takes the kids so we can all enjoy a communal bath to put Jeff's free samples to good use.

Get Kim round so we can make harpoon jokes while michaels sticks it in.



I really wanted to ignore the "I hoping" but just couldn't.

Galted wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote: I hoping she goes out and takes the kids so we can all enjoy a communal bath to put Jeff's free samples to good use.

Get Kim round so we can make harpoon jokes while michaels sticks it in.



I really wanted to ignore the "I hoping" but just couldn't.

Damn your eyes.

Kim smiled at me this morning. I hope she doesn't think yesterday's lunch and subsequent Jurgen Klopp emails was some sort of protracted foreplay. I awkwardly smiled back. Tried to play it cool.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Galted wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote: I hoping she goes out and takes the kids so we can all enjoy a communal bath to put Jeff's free samples to good use.

Get Kim round so we can make harpoon jokes while michaels sticks it in.



I really wanted to ignore the "I hoping" but just couldn't.

Damn your eyes.

Kim smiled at me this morning.  I hope she doesn't think yesterday's lunch and subsequent Jurgen Klopp emails was some sort of protracted foreplay.  I awkwardly smiled back.  Tried to play it cool.

Did you have a sack of Big Macs over your shoulder?

Galted wrote:id you have a sack of Big Macs over your shoulder?

Maybe the new wool jumper still smells of Lamb

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:I hate Jazz music .

To be honest the fact that is the almost universal reaction is a large part of its appeal to me.

Galted wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Galted wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote: I hoping she goes out and takes the kids so we can all enjoy a communal bath to put Jeff's free samples to good use.

Get Kim round so we can make harpoon jokes while michaels sticks it in.



I really wanted to ignore the "I hoping" but just couldn't.

Damn your eyes.

Kim smiled at me this morning.  I hope she doesn't think yesterday's lunch and subsequent Jurgen Klopp emails was some sort of protracted foreplay.  I awkwardly smiled back.  Tried to play it cool.

Did you have a sack of Big Macs over your shoulder?

No, no I didn't.

She didn't eat that much at lunch. I think she must be a late night snacker.

Galted wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote: I hoping she goes out and takes the kids so we can all enjoy a communal bath to put Jeff's free samples to good use.

Get Kim round so we can make harpoon jokes while michaels sticks it in.

I was thinking about Kim when I woke up this morning. Bet she's a right dirty London type.

Couple of years back I was on a night out in Putney over Halloween. Got a little bit tiddly a nicked a massive pumpkin off the bar which I put over my head and proceeded to wear on the dancefloor. Some biggish posh girl took a shine to my moves and proceeded to make filthy suggestions which I had to rebuke. Would have been like a rat up a drainpipe in my single days.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Galted wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote: I hoping she goes out and takes the kids so we can all enjoy a communal bath to put Jeff's free samples to good use.

Get Kim round so we can make harpoon jokes while michaels sticks it in.



I really wanted to ignore the "I hoping" but just couldn't.

Damn your eyes.

Damn your I's.

Quite good.

Fish and Chips with mushy peas, was not too bad.

Sainsbury's meal deal.

Tuna Sub Roll: Shiiite. Too fishy for me and they scrimped on the cucumber and put chopped raw peppers in the tuna mix. Bread, drier than a jacob's cream cracker left on an Abo's tin roof in Alice springs.
Quavers: As you would expect
Highland fizzy water: A welcome change to the used swimming pool water that seems to be coming out of my taps at home.

Pro's: Recycling section at sainsbury's has a can disposal section so I was able to move the 40+ empty cans out of my boot that were beginning to re-ferment.

Couple of cheese & pickle rolls (made by my own fair hand this very morning)
A big lump of chocolate brownie
Crème Egg
Tangerines (x2)
Bananana
Apple
Kellogg's Nutri-grain Breakfast Bake (Raisin)
Several Kinder "Schoko-Bons"

That is all.

what the chuff is a Crème Egg?

seanmichaels wrote:what the chuff is a Crème Egg?

A small, little-known Midlands based confectioner makes them I believe.