Shutdown Card - 21/03/2011

Match 1
Yarmouth Blade/Dr. Shoe/Fernando Gonzalez vs. General Sanchez/Dexter Morgan/James Eagle

Match 2
Time Attack Qualification Match
Enforcer vs. Crime Lord

Match 3
Snake Eyes/Jerome Dubois vs. Chaos/Trevor Swann

Match 4
River Ace vs. LPL

Match 5
Max Adamson/Chris Patricks vs. Mike Hill/Solomon Riddick

Match 6
Blue Dragon vs. Hero vs. Perfect Jack

Main Event
Cassius/Saint vs. Clarke James/Marshall Murdoch

CARD SUBJECT TO CHANGE

The camera cuts to backstage and into the Church.
Hero has his back to the camera, his white robes billow out around him and it’s clear he’s talking to someone behind him.

Hero: I am God! I demand respect! I demand worship! I demand fealty! I demand..

Voice: Well very sorry Mr Hero sir but we’re fresh outta demand today. Now just let’s get this sketch out of the way and I can head back to the BBC and the real celebrities for tonight.

Hero turns round. In the middle of his face is a Comic Relief red nose. From behind him emerges James Corden.

James: Now that is da bomb! Herolar my man, now for the cameras can you just do your Nessa impression.

Hero: God does not do impressions.

James: Aw come on Herolar, that was wicked earlier.

James clicks his fingers in front of Hero

James: Respect!

Hero sneers down at James Corden and then turns to the camera.

Hero takes in a depp breath and in a Welsh accent:
Ohhhh! What’s occurring?
I won’t lie to you Bryn, I’ve done her, wasn’t pretty, several months across the Tangier desert with Susan Boyle can do things to a man.
She was ravenous, best lover I ever had, but she was needy you see.
Couldn’t handle the break up, posted me her soiled belongings, threatened my kid.
So I says to her ‘Oi Boyle, our love could not be contained, it was too much for us, but I’ve moved on, I’ve found a woman that can match my needs far more than you ever could’
She didn’t take it well Bryn, the fact I’d left her for Sarah Palin, left her for a gun toting nutjob that she could never be.
Now she’s not let in a 2 mile radius Bryn.

James: Winning! Herolar that is pure quality, That was West Ham level genius.

Hero takes his red nose off and throws it to the floor, then kicks Corden in his rotund gut before delivering an Encore.

Hero: Tidy!

The camera cuts to the 6WF Creative Office, where Diablo is sat with a 6WF Official who is smoking a pipe and wearing a monocle. Diablo is wearing a dress made of tin foil, a roman warrior’s breastplate and a bright orange bum bag. He has a toy car, an Aston Martin DB7, sellotaped to his shoulder and a white line painted down his face. His hair, longer than usual, is tied into various length tails with electric cabling.

6WF Creative Officer : Diablo 4000 you say? It could work... What’s the toy car?

Diablo 4000 : It’s a joke. Because I used to come out with a glamorous model on my arm. Back when I was Diablo 2008.

The 6WF Creative guy takes a few puffs of his pipe

6WFCO : That won’t read.

Diablo 4000 : Pourquoi?

6WFCO : It won’t read on screen. They won’t get it.

Diablo 4000 : Of course it will. The 6WF fans, when they see me, always expect a pastiche.

The 6WF CO’s face lights up, and his monocle falls out.

6WFCO : Yes. Pasties. You could put a pasty in your bum bag...

Diablo 4000 : Fanny Pack.

6WFCO : How rude!

Diablo 4000 : No. I could put pasties in my fanny pack.

6WFCO : I see. No wonder you are a playboy Diablo 4000... your methods are one of a kind. I like you Diablo 4000.

The 6WFCO leans back in his chair and smokes his pipe.

Diablo 4000 : I could hand out pasties to the crowd. A different flavour every week. And I could come out to Craig David’s “What Your Flavour?”. Do some body-poppin shi(beep) like this.

Diablo 4000 starts singing “What’s your flavour, baby what’s your flavour”, whist rolling his shoulders. He starts popping his arms awkwardly.

Diablo 4000 : What’s your flavour, tell me what’s your flavour
What’s your flavour, tell me what’s your flavour
All this crazy shi(beep)

Diablo 4000 stands up and starts robot walking around the desk.

Diablo 4000 : What’s your flavour, tell me what’s your flavour
What’s you flavour, tell me what’s your flavour
What’s your flavour, tell me what’s you flavour

The 6WF CO can take it no more and stands up. He starts awkwardly clapping his hands and jerking his head.

Diablo 4000 : What’s your flavour, tell me what’s your flavour
What’s your flavour, tell me what’s your flavour
What’s your flavour, tell me what’s your flavour
What’s your flavour, tell me what’s your flavour.

6WF CO : STOP!

Diablo 4000 stops robot walking, and turns his head to face the 6WF CO, slowly, like a robot.

6WF CO : I’ll need to think about whether the world is ready for this. I mean... this is the future dammit!

Diablo 4000 : The year 4000!

6WF CO : Wow! I need to sit down... think this through.

Diablo : Animatronic shi(beep)

The 6WF CO falls back into his seat, which has moved during the dancing. He falls off the edge and hits the floor. He uses the seat to get back up, but its a wheelie chair and his weight pushes it away, and he falls to the floor again. Diablo 4000 walks around to the chair and holds it in place as the 6WF CO finally sits down. He takes a puff of his pipe.

Diablo 4000 : I know there’s a part of you that want this. You’re a free spirit. A radical. Look at you... You can’t smoke in doors sir.

6WF CO : I know... that’s why I took the roof off.

They both look up to the ceiling, which isn’t there. Diablo 4000 looks to the sky with wonder.

Diablo 4000 : And when it rains?

The 6WF CO laughs and spins his chair to the window sill. He spins back, with a massive grin and a worn down bar of Imperial Leather

6WF CO : I wash....

Diablo 4000 laughs and slowly reaches down to his fanny pack – taking out a pasty and slowly taking a munch.