The COVID 19 Culture Cup - Fifth Round Voting - The Best Poem

Here, my friends, comes the truest of culture. I think this is what drew Tino back from the death, the thought of poetry about to be discussed.

Three more rounds for you to send me (best sent all in one message, so as to save my inbox)

Round Six - The hobby you find most annoying
Round Seven - Which fellow 606v2 poster (past or present) would you most like to be in lockdown with? (This MUST include a why)
Round Eight - Thing that has annoyed you most irrationally in lockdown

The round previous? Well, the best TV animal to be in lockdown with is either Winnie the Pooh, Brian from Family Guy or Animal from The Muppets. All three received a score of 4 points in a very tight round. 

It leaves us with this leaderboard:

Dolphin Ziggler 21
Guildford 15
Beer 14
King Carlos 13
JDizzle 12
Crimey 9
Risca 8
Luke 7
Well 7
Samo 7
PJ 6
Jimbo 6
Dagless 6
Tiger 6
Alfie 5
Galted 5
Jules 5
Superfly 5
Soul 4

I'd have given a vote to Karl, but I prefer his Jellyfish ramblings

Flipper with a 6 point lead!

Stewards enquiry anyone?

#WhoPolicesThePolice?

Bubbles:


I once had a love like sparkling champagne
That tickled my senses and teased my brain
Without her bubbles my life is as plain
As mud without puddles, sky without rain
Oh lord, let me be drunk again.

tigertattie wrote:Flipper with a 6 point lead!

Stewards enquiry anyone?

#WhoPolicesThePolice?

Quis custodiet custodiens? I think you mean my fragrant east coast friend.

FFS PEOPLE, DON'T BE SUCH A PACK OF ILLITERATES!

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold
and the tip of his knob turns blue,
And it's bent in the middle like a one-string fiddle,
he can tell you a tale or two

etc etc

EDUCATE YOURSELVES!

I couldn't get the link to work, so for those that have never read it:

Rugby, what a beautiful and passionate game
Its not about money, fashion or fame.
Invented one day by a guy named Webb
How do go "I have a game to play"?

A war that's fought on a muddy field
They'll give their last breath to insure victory is sealed.
The pride of a nation rests on their shoulders
They have the heart, they're stood like boulders.
Its not about winning and they know
We're a rugby nation, we wanna see heart and a good show.

With quick passes out to the wings
The Millennium erupts, the entire country sings.
He's on his twenty two, he has a way to go
And stood in front of him is a Tommy Bow.
He has the pace and a Rugby brain
He makes ten yards and changes his lane.
He beats the one but not the other
A cheeky offload, its in the hands of his brother.
He's tackled fast and what a hit!
Two minutes on the floor he'll need to sit.

The balls been recovered and passed inside
The forwards have got it, you better run and hide.
Bests of men who never get the glory
I think their work is 80% of the story.

We're just over the half way and today's not the defenses day.
They missed their chance,
the ball went back but they was all in a trance.
We still have the ball and we're smashing trough
Now we're on their twenty two.
The balls being passed from left to right
Their looking for a gap, that little bit of daylight.
Our captain he gets in in his two hands
He boulders through on his *** the defender lands.

That was it! The chance we need
He done his job, he knows how to lead.
The ball goes out straight to the right
Only one defender left in the fight.
One quick dummy and he's been conned
He touches the ball down and you see the brotherly bond.

Crying, cheering and cwtching and that's just the crowd
They can take a break, they done their country proud.
Those feelings they have I'll never know
I just wanted to say, "Thank you for the show".

Galted wrote:FFS PEOPLE, DON'T BE SUCH A PACK OF ILLITERATES!

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold
and the tip of his knob turns blue,
And it's bent in the middle like a one-string fiddle,
he can tell you a tale or two

etc etc

EDUCATE YOURSELVES!

How bout

Do your balls hang low
Can you swing them to and fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow

The birds with wings so pointy pointy
anoint my head
anoint nointy.

Steve Martin at his best.

For those of us tempted to give in to despair there is always Dorothy Parker's Resume

“Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”

Went for If and The Raven, though N/A sounds quite intriguing.

The verse in If about making one heap of all your winnings is excellent and I particularly enjoy the metre of The Raven.

I do wonder about the voting, or the intentions behind this competition.
I had assumed that the whole point was to chose things which somehow would be relevant to being in lockdown rather than just nominating everyone's favourite tv. show or poem or whatever.
Wilfred Owen is one of my favourite poets and I have often argued that "Futility" is, in its own way, one of the 20th century's outstanding works of art. Right up there with Guernica. However, it is not one to cheer you up in lockdown.
Similarly; while I hold "Dulce Et Decorum Est" in the highest esteem,

In all my dreams before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning...


And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,—

are not lines I can find too comforting while wondering if any of my loved ones will catch covid 19.

This will probably make me very unpopular but I have to ask; is this competition just a beauty contest where we list our favourites or do we look to find things which will make us think, laugh or be comforted in these strange times?

jimbopip wrote:I do wonder about the voting, or the intentions behind this competition.
I had assumed that the whole point was to chose things which somehow would be relevant to being in lockdown rather than just nominating everyone's favourite tv. show or poem or whatever.
Wilfred Owen is one of my favourite poets and I have often argued that "Futility" is, in its own way, one of the 20th century's outstanding works of art. Right up there with Guernica. However, it is not one to cheer you up in lockdown.


This will probably make me very unpopular but I have to ask; is this competition just a beauty contest where we list our favourites or do we look to find things which will make us think, laugh or be comforted in these strange times?

The competition is a recurring one, this version happens to be Lockdown-themed.

How you approach your selections and votes is up to you, some people such as Flipper and Julius shamelessly pursue votes and cheat.  Others, such as myself, approach the competition in a more dignified and honourable manner.  Unfortunately most of the voters are philistines who either go for their own or for the only selection they recognise.  If we had more Oscar Wildes and Stephen Frys on the forum I would be miles ahead.

I just annoyed that for every round apart from the animal one I've changed my first pick and the last second, and my first pick goes on to get loads of votes.

Galted, Samo, as that great tragedian Kenneth Williams so famously intoned,

"Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me."

Indeed, I have thought about things that would ease your lockdown, but it is up to you to pick what you believe would and vote how you feel is appropriate. I once tried to be more disciplined and the rabble just couldn’t take to it, so now I pursue a more laissez faire attitude, if you will.

And the more of these that I complete successfully, the less reasons Tina has to live.

Dolphin Ziggler wrote:

And the more of these that I complete successfully, the less reasons Tina has to live.

I'm already dead.

You'll only ever be a custodian of this place Dolphin, you've actually soiled it with some real culture which was never the intention of this place. You disgust me.

But I do have a poem for you -

My Son the Back

I woke up with a headache that’d hung around for days

And half a pack of aspirin wouldn’t make it go away

I knew the thing that caused it, and it made me feel depressed

It wasn’t too much alcohol, but simply too much stress.



I rang my local doctor in my quest to get it fixed

A chat and some prescription drugs would surely do the trick.

I drove to my appointment and arrived in ample time.

Then waited, watched and read until the next name called was mine.



I walked into the doctor’s room, he checked me up and down

Then peered over his glasses as he asked me with a frown:

“Are you worried your blood pressure might be up again?

Or is your gout and hernia a cause of constant pain?



“Are you being bothered by your bulging lumbar disc?

Your slowly failing eyesight or your sub-cutaneous cyst?

Your rheumatoid arthritis or those ulcers on your tongue?

Your kidney stones, your fungus, or those dark spots on your lung?



Your low sperm count, your dodgy knee, that cancer on your hand?

That rash around your anus, your grotesquely swollen gland?

Well surely, then, you’re worried ‘bout your pending heart attack.

“No,” I said, “I’m worried that my son’s become a back.”



“He’s only short in stature and his thighs and arms are small

He cries when he gets injured and he cannot catch the ball.

He’d rather kick than tackle and his nose is deadly straight

He’d rather hang out with his mum than drink beer with his mates.”



“His ears aren’t cauliflowered and he will not tape his head

And every night, by 8 o’clock, he’s tucked up in his bed

He’s fast and he’s elusive and the girls all think he’s cute

And as for scrums and lineouts, well, he hasn’t got a clue.”



“His body isn’t hairy and he very rarely sweats

He’d rather read a book than play in winter when it’s wet.

He’s never skulled a schooner and he’s quick to bite and scratch

He whinges, whines and finds my Garry Owens hard to catch.”



“He’s never punched a punching bag, or bench pressed his own weight

Or stacked the bar and squatted – doing sets of six to eight

His head is bigger than his neck, he can’t secure the ball

He’s never seen a prop up close or drove a rolling maul.”



As I described the symptoms my good doctor simply smiled

I said: “You don’t understand – this is my only child.

I tell you doc, I’m worried, is there something I can do?”

“Give it time,” the doctor said. “Your son is only two.”

I would've voted for that.

I think we should have a vote on whether Windows poem should be included and we all get an extra vote for this round.

WELL-PAST-IT wrote:I think we should have a vote on whether Windows poem should be included and we all get an extra vote for this round.

I propose a vote on whether we have a vote to allow the poem.

I propose a vote on who should be allowed to make proposals.

Siconded.

JHM, please tell how to Sicond something, is it the same as being sick over some one, as in "sick ond him"

My wife "sickonded" on someone 40 years ago, I have never let her forget it (I know, I am just mean that way). It means that she is careful about how much she drinks so I drive there, she drives back...

WELL-PAST-IT wrote:JHM, please tell how to Sicond something.

Easy. You follow a fist.

JuliusHMarx wrote:

WELL-PAST-IT wrote:JHM, please tell how to Sicond something.

Easy. You follow a fist.

Lol out loud.

Did Windows write that poem?

If so, one of the mods should make it a sticky in the rugby section for the rest to giggle at!

tigertattie wrote:Did Windows write that poem?

If so, one of the mods should make it a sticky in the rugby section for the rest to giggle at!

I wish champ.

It was by a guy called Mick Collis. Google him, it is even better when he reads it out.

JuliusHMarx wrote:

WELL-PAST-IT wrote:JHM, please tell how to Sicond something.

Easy. You follow a fist.

If I am following a fist, I am behind it and therefore quite happy, thanks.

2 votes!

F you people! F you!!!!

If I finish behind Jimbo I'm holding you all personally resposinible for his (increased) smugness

I'll post Round Six tomorrow (today) most likely. Think I'm missing picks from Alfie, Soul and Guildford. You have some time.