What's the best Make your own limerick up written by 606v2 posters?

There have been quite a few literary masterpieces on the "Make your own limerick thread". (Alongside a few duds! )

As more and more get added it would be a massive waste of talent if some of the best ones got lost in the ever lengthening thread..... What is your suggestion for entries for the top 10 606v2 limericks? For starters I suggest this one:

HEADGEAR

Dont laugh but im really quite happy,
Blindfolded, head in a nappy.
The smell is quite rank,
The atmosphere's dank
I'm a niffy nappy satisfied chappy

Suggestion No 2

MEAL IN THE WOODS

A fearless young boar in the forest,
Sneaked up on a pretty young florist,
He took her out to lunch
What a bore - but anyway thanks a bunch!
But was then spit roasted by her and a tourist.

EALING HANDS

Have you ever met a lady from Ealing ?
Who offers alternative healing ,
She will mix you a potion ,
In the form of a lotion ,
That will make you come on the ceiling .

I hate to choose one of my own, but it really was quite a masterpiece:

The lass I brought home was a prize,
I couldn't look her in the eyes
Her beautiful long hair
And fetching knitwear
But the beard was a real surprise

I went to the pub one day,
On a scooter made entirely of clay,
I got funny looks
From builders and cooks
As I'd pushed it to a pub closed last May.

There once was a woman, a climber,
She was good, a real old-timer
At first I thought, WOW!
'Till she turned into a cow
But it didn't stop me climbing inside her

A wife who was full of aggravation,
Told her hubby "No Sexual Relations!"
She said "put it away"
"Or I'll tell all you're gay"
Now he's left to jack off in frustration.

There once was a woman called Mary,
Who had the most wonderful fairy,
She appeared one day
Announced she was gay
And her nether regions grew rather hairy

A hammer, a nail and some wood,
Could do someone some good,
They built a shed,
But forgot the bed,
So they just had a sh*g where they stood

There once was a girl who flew,
Only stopping when she needed a poo
She'd see a nice car
Open her legs like a jar
And make sure it was someone she knew

There was an old man from Madrid
Who went abroad with five quid
He travelled by boat.
With his hairy pet goat
Who he fed to a really big squid

There was a man who plays Drums.
In a band with some of his chums.
They longed to have groupies
So they paid them in rupees
That resulted in playing to the slums
 
There once was a man who was driving.
To the sea for some scuba diving,
When out jumped a deer
And a man with a spear
It's a miracle how he's still surviving!

There once was an elephant from India
Who turned left when he travelled to Libya
Having stopped for water,
He was caught banging someones daughter,
Before receiving a positive test for chlamydia.

A Roman went roaming one day,
With some shampoo in a little sachet,
When out jumped a dragon,
From under a wagon,
To show him a bit of ballet 

There once was a Doctor called Mike
Who fell off while riding his bike
He fell to the ground
His turban unwound
He cried, as it was sponsored by Nike

An Afghani prince fancies my mother
And boy! Does he flirt like no other,
He gave her a racehorse
With no ounce of remorse
He "rode" her and the racehorse together.

A fat bungee-jumper called Stan
Went bungee jumping with his gran,
They leapt of a bridge
Cocooned in a fridge
And ended like pineapple flan

An elephant is on the M5,
And is jolly lucky to be alive.
The AA were present
The police pre-pubescent
Amusingly, none of them drive

A gorillas sister just chapped my door
Wearing a tutu and a dab of Miss Dior
She shouted abuse,
When I offered some juice
And said "its beer I want, gimme some more!" 
 
A Pigeon cross bred with a Parakeet,
Had the most strangest weird looking feet.
They were shaped like a polo,
With holes where their toes go,
And they whistled when they were supposed to tweet.

There was an old man from Glasgow,
Who'd recently been given an ASBO.
He got very drunk,
Came onto a hunk
Whilst watching the movie "Orgazmo"

That's an impressive selection - and not all of them bawdy!

Some beauties there above.

SHALLOW NYMPH

A skinny young girl from Bermuda,
Liked to go swimming and scuba,
In the shallowest of shoals,
She lived out her goals,
Of making love to schools of tuna.

ELDERS AND BETTERS?

My Grandad said ' make mine a double '.
A sure sign we were in for trouble
Left hooks and rights,
He does love his fights ,
The old folks home soon left as rubble.....

BISON MICER

My cat started bringing home mice,
Not only once but twice ,
But when her I told to stop it,
She said, 'now you'll cop it,'
Next day she walked in with a bison.

A place to sleep

There once was a tramp in skip,
Who was having a heavenly kip,
His sleep it was broken,
And he was suddenly awoken ,
By a rat chewing on his top lip .

Examination Room

As i bent over the table , the Doctor said 'cough'
But apparentley that wasn't enough,
She reached round to grab it ,
Some would say - through habit,
And had to clean up my mess with a cloth .

....The Mice will Play

We were having a party one day ,
The parents were out - we made hay.
Lots of girls lots of beers,
And a clown with no ears,
Who burnt the house down - he'll pay!

A cautionary tale....

Whilst posting on 606 version two,
I got the feeling i needed a poo.
In a hurry didn't check my spelling,
With an enormous build up welling.
The mighty outburst left the Mods all to do!

On the trail.....

Out campaigning one day with Nick Clegg,
A woman came waving a false leg ,
Brandishing said limb up close,
It was clear she was suffering a dose -
Shall we say - of washing line short of a peg!

My name is Brian

" Hello " said the voice on the line
"How are you? my name is Brian"
"I can offer you some double glazing "
"The price is amazing"
said the lying two faced swine

Frog in the throat

There once was a frog in a pond
When we spoke he wouldn't respond ,
His mouth opened but nothing came out
But after several pints of Stout,
He croaked the theme from James Bond .

Tickets please

A woman asleep on the train ,
Was awoke by the conductor called Wayne
He asked for her ticket ,
She told him to stick it !
So he punched a ticket hole in her brain

Lee's floss

There once was a man called Lee ,
Who's sexuality was for all to see ,
He wore a thong that was pink ,
Which really caused a stink
As his balls sagged down to his Knee

Dont ask for help

While playing in the bath with my duck
In the plughole, my finger got stuck
I called for my wife
Who pulled out a knife
Which made me say "Oh F**k"

Stop! Thief!

A man who worked in a bar ,
Put the tips that he got in a jar
One night they were gone
He thought ...what a con
and come to think of it...wheres my car.

The King is dead .

Elvis died while sat on the loo
It must have been a very large poo
Was he reading the paper
or thinking about the food, later
No he'd swallowed a Blue Suede Shoe

Wedding fireworks

I pulled out a ring from my pocket
on her finger i was planning to dock it
But when I saw through her veil
that she was chewing on a nail
Instead I gave her the rocket.

Spartan Fare

I was getting ready for lunch
And wondered what I could munch
When a pigeon flew into my kitchen
Enough for all to have a smidgeon
With some feathers left over for brunch

Do not pass go

Glencoe was blocked with snow
So I had nowhere to go
I got out the Cluedo
Monopoly, and Ludo
I won but had no one to show

love thy neighbours

Taking the bins out one night
I was met with a terrible sight:
My neighbour was nude,
Along with his brood,
And as one they were taking a sh!te.

The Call of Duty

One day the snow started falling
On one cold winter morning
It settled and was really quite deep
And even buried my Jeep
But didn't stop Sandra " Hello Avon calling "

Act your age

The passengers boarded the ship,
Even Pamela with her bad hip,
She hobbled up the ramp
Dressed like a vamp,
Your 94 women ! get a grip !

Flat share

Whoever left that mess in the kitchen,
Clean it up and i will stop bitchin',
So I dug out the mop,
And just didn't stop ,
Until every muscle was twitchin'

Challenging Anneka

A rimshot? That sounds rather rude
I tried it once and got sued
That's being stung twice
It was Anneka Rice
Oh my god you are one lucky dude

Grandmas Trip

My chip and pin card has expired
& my grandma is p1ssed up & wired
She stole all my cash
and smoked all my hash
And she's shagging the hooker I hired

France's Got Talent ..............Not

There was an old man from France
Who did a strange kind of one-legged dance
with onions hanging round his neck
and an accordion bought in Quebec
But Simon Cowell didn't even give him a glance

Lets be Adult about it

It was time to start a new page
As the Limerick's seem to be all the rage
With more people adding a line
I think we'll do fine
As long as we all act our age

Just let em rip !

The shooting was ready to start
But the judge was suppressing a fart
He clenched his bum cheeks
for what seemed like 3 weeks
& placed a great strain on his heart