It's not 'Send', it's the 'Culture Cup', stupid.

First topic message reminder :

Have I missed it?

I found my friend under a big pile of books the other day.

I asked if he was OK, and he just looked rueful and stated the he was fine, and he only had his shelf to blame.

Afternoon notches.

I was abusing his kilt wearing not his homosexuality!

fair point supes...

I call b011ocks on this quote though:

"Mr Wilson said he had "never had any grief" in Dundee before."

That's an outright lie.  Anyone openly using any form of modern technology or media in Dundee is on a one-way trip to being hanged from a lamp-post.

I once wandered in there in a "horseless carriage" and got chased back out.

Sturgeon or May?

If you had to

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monkey_hanger

"Monkey hanger" is a term by which Hartlepudlians are often known.[1]

According to local folklore, the term originates from an incident in which a monkey was hanged in Hartlepool, England. During the Napoleonic Wars, a French ship of the type chasse marée was wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. The only survivor was a monkey, allegedly wearing a French uniform to provide amusement for the crew. On finding the monkey, some locals decided to hold an impromptu trial on the beach; since the monkey was unable to answer their questions and because they had seen neither a monkey nor a Frenchman before, they concluded that the monkey was in fact a French spy.[2] Being found guilty the animal was duly sentenced to death and hanged on the beach.

The residents of Hartlepool often get confused by monkeys, even today. Every incident described in Karl Pilkington's "Monkey news" took place in Hartlepool. This is not a co-incidence. Following mass-panic in the 1970s, PG Tips are forbidden from airing their adverts in Hartlepool.[1] In Hartlepool, the term "Cheeky monkey" is highly offensive and can be punished with an on-the-spot fine if spoken within earshot of a policeman. The Black Eyed Peas album 'Monkey Business' was banned on all local radio stations. The Disney movie Dunston Checks In, while being considered suitable for all ages elsewhere in the world, has an 18's rating in Hartlepool.[1]

An alternative theory is that it was a young boy who was hanged (the term "powder-monkey" was commonly used for children employed on warships to prime the cannon with gunpowder).[3]

The earliest mention of the hanging is from the popular song, written and performed by 19th century comic performer, Ned Corvan, "The Monkey Song". Given that "only after Corvan's appearances in Hartlepool is there strong evidence for the development of the Monkey story", the song seems the most plausible origin for the myth.[4]

An earlier and remarkably similar monkey-hanging legend with a similar associated song refers to the inhabitants of Boddam, Aberdeenshire.[5] With similar lyrics and scansion ("And the Boddamers hung the Monkey, O") it is plausible that Ned Corvan heard and adapted the song while travelling the Scottish Lowlands with Blind Willie Purvis.

seanmichaels wrote:If you had to

Sturgeon narrowly as her c*nt is 14 years less stale but either would involve a serious amount of w*nking.

I know which one Tino would go for if he were still alive.

Me - Sturgeon
Michael's - either
Tino- May
Julius - May, as he's not a P*do
Shah - both
Jeff - this is beneath him
Superfly - Sturgeon
Dagless - unknown
Tattie - too early to tell

Rick would go for May because he is a hipster and she's closer to getting hers replaced. Even for me it would have to be paperbagging both of them.

I figured you'd burka them both and send them to the back of the queue. Maybe use them for menial tasks like grocery shopping and governing countries.

Galted wrote:Me - Sturgeon
Michael's - either
Tino- May
Julius - May, as he's not a P*do
Shah - both
Jeff - this is beneath him
Superfly - Sturgeon
Dagless - unknown
Tattie - too early to tell

I would just sit there and watch you all.

Excellent film review, Tattie. You've set a very intimidating bar.

Morning notches... All well?

Morning Notches not bad, Day started with a bang - got a list of overseas management level employees coming over in May to our London office one of which is an oriental girl by the name of Runnarong. Pray for me that I don't burst out laughing over the phone when she calls to check in.

Pray she is a HAC mate, then you will be fine...

Are you still moving on from your current role?

Possibly, maybe even likely - will wait till the 20th and drop another hint about my hours before that. If theres no movement towards my desired hours then probably

Just get it done if you don't get what you want, no pre-excuses.

It is a lovely morning here today, a nice crisp spring morn.

Finally moved into the new place, though no internet, so feels like I am in the stone age,

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-39459831

A man after my own heart

I actually saw this on BBC news this morning, and genuinely thought of you, or, more specifically, your anonymous online moniker.

Sh*t on here today.

Don't worry Galted. May is thread split month.

Cheers, Julius. That should give me enough time to think up an excellent pun.

Galted wrote:Cheers, Julius. That should give me enough time to think up an excellent pun.

Split hogger.

Anyway, I doubt a month will be long enough for you.

Watch yourself, Julius. Push me too far and I'll come over there and key one of your Bentleys.

Galted wrote:Watch yourself, Julius. Push me too far and I'll come over there and key one of your Bentleys.

My mates car got keyed the other day - Right from the boot to the bonnet, He was f*cking pissed. Julius will probably f*ck you, galtova and the cat in one night in revenge.

Gutentag Poontangs

Whaddup notches, apologies for my absence yesterday, I had to attend an offsite meeting.

What did I miss?

And so you fecking should be. You missed the square root of the area of michaels Winkle, according to his headteacher. So not much, but still it's the principle of the thing. Two full days at work today and tomorrow so lets work towards that thread split. How did your meeting go in any case? and fare thee well?

Meeting went fine mate, and I am all good in the hood, have friends over this weekend so that should be a good laugh.

Hopefully a quieter day today.

You?

Not bad, Stuck at work but otherwise good. Got a joke?

I was really busy yesterday, and someone came to my desk and asked: " do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

I just looked up and said: "don't know, don't care"

rick_dagless wrote:I was really busy yesterday, and someone came to my desk and asked: " do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

I just looked up and said: "don't know, don't care"

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

Spoiler:

Did you hear about the magic tractor?


It turned into a field.

Proper start to the day guys, this is how a thread split happens.

Morning Tattie

I know a couple of steak puns, which to be honest is a rare medium well done.

What do the mafia and fannies have in common?

Spoiler:

With all the Brexit stuff it may be worth living in Europe, I mean living in Switzerland has its advantages, the flag alone is a big plus.

With all the arguments about Europe going on I had to delete every German I know from my phone.

It is now Hans free.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Morning Rick. How goes it?

Black pudding, bacon, egg & hash brown in a torpedo roll.

9/10

Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

Spoiler:

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Spoiler:

Not bad Tattie, not bad.

How do you make a Ouija board? Take away his Buckfast and Blow.

Policeman walks up to a guy in Glasgow after he spots him having intercourse with a welly.

"What on earth are you doing?"
" Nothing officer.....just f**kin aboot"

A blowfly walks into a bar and asks, "Is that stool taken?"

How much does a Hipster weigh?

An Instagram.

Why can't Pinocchio play tennis?

He's got no strings.